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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Y'all, there's so much more. In fact, one could dedicate an entire blog to this.

And the hits keep coming.

Apparently NYC is stocked full of furniture upholstered with old Cosby sweaters.

This might be forgivable if the man was trying to sell it for $50, but really, the man is charging $200 for this. My only concession is that at least it's not advertised as beautiful. I do take issue with this claim: "multi-purpose solution for any room environment, guest room or basement." This sofa isn't a solution to anything unless the problem is "I need more ugly in my life."

Craigslist is full of ugly shit sold by overachievers. Would you pay $300 for this old ass grandma couch? Me neither.

Let's hope no one out there is willing to fork over $300 to turn their house into a Bob Evan's lobby. It probably smells like sausage gravy and beef tips.

Now this seller is selling their sofa for a reasonable price considering how heinous it is, but here's what I don't get...

The ad reads, "I PAID ALMOST $3000 FOR THIS SOFA." That's not a selling point, it's an embarrassment. I'm trying to think of a time when something like this was ever so in demand that you could charge $3,000 for it. Just because you made a horrible life choice after seeing too many episodes of HGTV does not mean someone will want your crap more.

On a slightly different note, I've been watching the progress of a certain sofa intently. I was first taken with the completely ridiculously sized photograph the seller posted. Instead of realizing no one was interested in a couch that someone was clearly trying to hide, and posting a picture that might be useful, he's been reposting the same ad, cutting the price significantly each time.

October 27th
: Selling for $600
October 28th: Selling for $450
October 29th
: Selling for $300
October 30th: Selling for $200 (sound of soul being crushed)


Also, can we calm down with the Eames era claims. People are playing pretty fast and loose with the term, i.e. THIS:

Just because it's ugly, has clean lines, and has had multiple generations of bare ass all over it doesn't mean it's Eames era. Go ahead and search Eames era furniture on a NYC Craigslist and behold the insanity. Shout out to Lucy!

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I'm trying to find a sofa that doesn't cost more than three hundred bucks and isn't from IKEA. This is a very difficult feat in New York City. Years of trolling through garage sales and flea markets in small towns has spoiled me. People are trying to sell a sofa they spent the last four years rubbing their asses all over for $500 because it was "purchased for $1600 three years ago."

Time for visuals.

This guy thinks that this mess of a futon is "beautiful" and "contemporary."

He also thinks that a futon upholstered with old Cosby sweaters is worth $250 dollars.

There is nothing really wrong with this couch but
what I want to know is, how do you arrive at $149 dollars as the going price? Why so arbitrary?

For a "carefree" and "casual" couch look no further than this wicker beauty. For $195 you can have it delivered directly to your lanai, where Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy await you with a slice of cheesecake and a warm brew of sassy wisdom.

Maybe you're more traditional? Perhaps this "shabby chic fainting couch" is just for you. Here are two words I never want to see together in print again: glazed chintz. Follow that up with "could use some light cleaning" and I'm thinking the worst.

When you take it all in for yourself and suffer a mild stroke, you'll be happy it's perfect for fainting on. Again, what's with the $199 price tag?

This sofa seems like it's probably perfectly nice (even though I have serious doubts it originally sold for $4,000). But why even bother posting this crap photo? Talk about phoning it in, dudes.

Finally, have some people not heard of donating shit to charities or maybe even throwing shit on the curb, because why would anyone get access to a car, exert physical energy, pay you cash, and place this abortion in their home?

Here's the big sell: "It is odor-free." Lady, I can smell the stank over the internet.

"This couch has been in my family for years and has gone through two full generations." Meaning, this couch has multiple generations of bare ass all over it! Can you imagine the many diapers changed on this? The years of cigarette smoke? The decades of food crumbs? The live homebirths?!?!

"I expect anyone who owns from this point on to get as much mileage as I have gotten out of it." Uh...

"Pillows in pictures are not included. Blue covering is a throw/blanket - you can decorate it to any color you want with your own throw, or I can throw in mine for a negotiated price." Not only can you get this couch you've never seen uncovered, but you can negotiate to get that horse blanket she's thrown over it to cover all the years of fluids and gunk!

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Every day on the subway riders are exposed to a thousand different plastic surgery or offers of bunion and hammertoe surgery, but this one stood out to me. Click on the pic to experience the wrongness in life size.

Brazilian butt fill. That's the best they could come up with? I feel so dirty inside.

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Friend, I am not averse to vegetarian food. I embrace slaughter-free meals often. However, there are limits that I must set. When a menu consists mostly of raw and/or vegan food, I vow to just bounce from this moment forward. Because what I witnessed this weekend, what with "live salads" and uncooked chips, I cannot soldier through again. Look at this.

This is not food that people eat willingly, when they can exercise other options, unless they are full of self-loathing. Feel free to report me to Sanjay "Let's Round Up the Fatties and Put Them in Camps" Gupta if you must, but next time I am not going to eat so much as an uncooked tortilla chip in this sort of joint. Have you ever purchased, say, a pack of spinach or lettuce you didn't complete and forgotten it in the bottom of your refrigerator? You know how it liquifies and smells like wrongness? That's what my husband's burps smelled like 24 hours after he dared to eat a "live salad." Just throw in a splash of stomach bile for a nice top note.

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