<body> YOU: On My Blog <body>
Thursday, January 31, 2008

So, um, yeah...here's a live reenactment of me reading this article.

A Brazilian judge barred a samba group on Thursday from featuring a Holocaust display and a dancer dressed as Adolf Hitler in its Carnival parade after fierce complaints from Jewish groups.
"A guy dressed as Hitler atop a pile of dead Jews, that's too much. It's beyond the limits of common sense. There is no way we could accept that," said Sergio Niskier, president of the Rio federation, hailing the judge's decision.

Someone had to go on the record to say that "Hitler atop a pile of dead Jews" might be...oh, a little "too much." Yes, that would be overkill. Just a little dab will do you.

The school's parade theme is "Shockers" and it includes floats depicting the shock of birth, the shock of horror and the shock of cold.

On Wednesday, another samba group agreed to remove the swastika symbol from uniforms that its dancers planned to wear in its Carnival parade about the predictions of Nostradamus after complaints from the Jewish federation. The Estacio de Sa group also said it would drop a section of the parade named after Hitler.

Wait...what? Were there a bunch of cringe comics on the planning committee? And just wait until you get a load of the float photo!

Time and a place people!

Source: Reuters

Labels: , , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 2 comments

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

So, Vince Vaughn is leading a stand-up comedy tour, which I guess is good (even if it's a glorified sausage fest) but there is something most curious about the poster.

I could have sworn that just the other day I saw a very different looking Vince Vaughn.

Just sayin'.

Labels: , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 2 comments

Friday, January 25, 2008

Donnie is my new boo.

Best part is, there is an actual eBay listing for the "Ring of Infinite Sorrows."

Labels: , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 1 comments

Brace yourselves for more bad celeb news...

After getting over my shock that this band was still together, I noticed something even more jacked.

Good luck with the solo career! Everyone is familiar with the dense, prolific body of work behind UB40. Your success is a lock!

Labels: , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments


Labels: , , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 1 comments

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I am going to start a blog called "Weird Shit from China" because that cup runneth over.

China is the world's Florida.

Labels: , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 1 comments

Yesterday was a big day for people like this dude. There was a lot of protesting and fetus loving to do and you know what that means? MISSPELLED PROTEST SIGNS.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Reuters, what's up with the LIES? I'm about to blow the cover off of some serious ethics violations wherein Reuters plays fast and loose with the facts, and also, my emotions.

Earlier today, I read a darling tale about a stowaway kitten who was accidentally packed into a suitcase and survived a cross country flight. Now Diana is to Cat Lady as Britney is to Troubled Pop Star, so I was eager for a picture of this survivor. Reuters provided this picture of feline perfection.

Does the story not immediately become more heart tugging? Yes? TOO BAD IT'S A DAMN LIE!

That cat is neither a tabby nor 10 months old. I am outraged.

Labels: , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

By now we all know about the passing of Heath Ledger. The dude was hot. The dude was talented. I do not mean to take away from his works, but OMG, really?

Labels: , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Friday, January 18, 2008

This series of Photoshop tutorials is pure viral video magic. Character development through software lesson? Brillz.

Source: BoingBoing

Labels: , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Damn, Reuters, can't a physically active big girl get a break? Anthony Boadle has a strict "no fat chicks" policy.

Labels: , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 2 comments

The Cruise-azy cup runneth over. Gawker is holding strong, strapping on a set, and hosting a whole mess of Scientology videos. Shit just gets scarier and scarier, because it's clear this guy really believes the shit coming out of his mouth. You know he really believes that he can control space and time and bend spoons with his mind or some shit.

If I'm reading the subtext of these videos correctly, Tom Cruise is so transcendental, so clear, that he is the only person in these videos not subtitled.

Oh, and the octogenarian Jew on East 86th St. who gives me my brain candy better watch his ass, because Cruise is after him and his ilk.
"Oh I am going hard at those guys. I’m going to end their reign...these psychiatrists. I’ve had it... I’ve absolutely had it it’s disgusting to me!"
He's absolutely had it with these psychiatrists and their healing and treatments! Their reign of terror must end now. The path to healing lies in an over sized label maker attached to a couple of soup cans. Not pills.

Labels: , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Let's talk death!

Turns out La Lohan is going to do time at a morgue as punishment for drunk driving. Please tell me this bitch is going to be kept away from mortuary makeup duties. No one needs to see their grandmother slathered in bronzer. Also, someone better keep that junkie away from the formaldehyde.

Guess what people in Korea are spending their money on for kicks? Dying.

I can't imagine being so bored with life that I'd be willing to pay someone $350 to nail me into a coffin and hear my mother's sobs.
"I felt really, really scared inside the coffin and also thought a lot about my mom," said Lee Hye-jung, a 23-year-old woman studying engineering. "I'll live differently from now on so as not to have any regrets about my life."

"Mom and Dad! Everything I have now is from you, your teaching and your love. I'm so sorry that I have to leave you behind," said
Hwang Yun-jin, a 29-year-old mechanical engineering major, crying as she read her will aloud.
I think the lesson here is to not study engineering. It clearly leads to morbid obsessions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-doom-and-gloom. For instance, every now and then I come across a story that instead of inspiring me, just makes me think "wow, I don't think I enjoy life that much"

Someone's got a case of the Mondays. Every day.

Look, if I had a FIFTY POUND TUMOR on my face I think I might just have to say,
"you know what guys, it's been real, but I'm going to pack it in." Forever.

I enjoy life, really, I do. It's full of fun and amazing experiences, but if I am ever BISECTED in an accident and sentenced to a genital-free lifetime of looking like I'm emerging from a potted plant, please just let me go.

I salute these dudes, but, really, what are they holding out for? The final season of
The Wire?

Labels: , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I've decided to do it. I'm going to have a baby. A Japanese rice baby. These things are better than the real things. Finally, a birth announcement you can eat!

Labels: , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 1 comments

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Someone paid for an art school education that resulted in this.

For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home!

Aside from the idea of having an enormous set of genitalia in your living room, this thing doesn't even look comfortable. Can you, also, for one minute imagine the amount change and crumbs that would end up in this thing, never again to see the light of day?

In "Smell Yo Dick" news, it looks like there's a new product out there to keep guys fresh.

I really think nutstank takes a backseat to the real epidemic facing male upkeep - asshair

Labels: , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 2 comments

This poor little kid is going to go through life knowing that she ruined a tourism pamphlet with her nose prospectin'. Look at her little frenemy trying to make her look even worse with her perfectly angelic positioning, and innocent lamb atop her head. SCARRED FOR LIFE, people!

Labels: , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

That's exactly how I looked when I read that Joel Hodgson (creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000) is BACK with a new project. Prayz Him! My God is an awesome God!

Back in the day, my brothers would painstakingly record every single episode of MST3K. Together, our collective comedy library of Kids in the Hall, MST3K, Ren & Stimpy, and The State was mighty. Mike is awesome and all, but Joel Hodgson is totally the OG.

Off-topic, but for your delight, ListoftheDay, reliable as ever, provides more photos (if you liked what you saw above) of humanity at its best with their 2007 Mugshots of the Year. The photos make a compelling argument for forced sterilization.

Labels: , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

These faces of crazy are brought to you by this Scientology video.

Guess what? Tom Cruise wants to put his ethics into you. Also? You have to "earn" calling yourself a Scientologist. No shit. It'll set you back at least ten grand (if you're lucky).

I can't imagine this video is going to last very long. The Scientologist lawyers are probably on this YouTuber's ass as we speak. Actually, they might just shut down YouTube entirely to scrub the world of this video clip of Tom Cruise babbling incoherently and attempting to hypnotize people with his eyes, and maybe that's not such a bad thing. Witness the crazy for yourself.

Labels: , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 2 comments

Monday, January 14, 2008

Labels: , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Friday, January 11, 2008

Oh dear Jesus...

Seriously, I want to breastfeed this thing. Sure, she sounds like a wraith, but the PAWS, the TONGUE. And now she has her own website!

At what point is the UN going to decide that maybe Germany can't handle polar bears? How many orphaned baby bears need to suffer before action is taken? Am I the only one who's giving Germany the stink eye, here?

Labels: , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 1 comments

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Y'all, I think I caught the bird flu or some shit. I am celebrating today because it's the first time I have a normal temperature. I am still mouth breathing hardcore, like Puffy Combs, but I am grateful for the loss of the fever. Can anyone educate me as to why the flu makes your entire body sore?

Pray for my soul.

Labels: , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 2 comments

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Obama has Larry David (can that possibly lead to anything good), Huckabee has Chuck Norris, and John McCain has landed the biggest one of them all...WILFORD BRIMLEY. I want so much out of this union. I'm picturing McCain and Brimley propped up on matching horses in the middle of the Arizona desert (Wilford required five Mexicans and a series of levers and pullies), their dual silhouettes dark against the blazing orange sunset. Both of them exchanging advice regarding Liberty Mutual supplies and working on policy to get a set of medical supplies to every American in the country, regardless of their diabeetus status. Wilford's Teddy Roosevelt-good looks making McCain appear fresh, youthful. Ah, beauteous.

If you haven't seen this before, you're in for a treat.

Labels: , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 1 comments

How wrong is this gum? It used to be my favorite gum ever. When I'd go on errands with my dad, the hardware store he'd go to had it in stock and I'd beg and lose my damn mind to get him to buy me bologna gum. In looking back I thought it was because the premise was so disgusting, that he couldn't believe his daughter would want to eat that shit, but if this packaging is historically correct, he was clearly concerned about other messages.

Y'all, I am getting pretty disgusted with all the bullshit surrounding the campaign. The Hillary bashing is off the charts. The woman teared up. Fucking shut up already. Also, what in the fuck year is this already? IRONING?! Way to kick a wymyn when she's down. Jezebel reports on Gloria Steinem's reaction.

It seems like Obama is going to take New Hampshire tonight, I like to think that this picture captures the moment where Obama tells Hillary as much.

Things keep pissing me off on the feminist tip. I'm getting particularly disgusted by the fact that there is a "Men Are the New Women" tshirt in existence. I would like my own version.

I even put it in Comic Sans to really reflect the suck. Comic Sans is the morning dj of fonts. Even worse? Dudes lamenting their old girlfriends' past abortions. Guess what, dudes, DON'T CARE. Call us when you can carry a fetus to term.

As I pull the wedge out of my ass I realize that there's a writer in the U.K. who needs to be my new BFF because I am LOVING her defense of granny panties.

On how many occasions in the past year have you needed to wear sexy pants? In other words, to break this right down, how many times this year have you suddenly, unexpectedly, had sex in a brightly lit room, with a hard-to-please erotic connoisseur? Exactly. On those kind of odds, you might just as well be keeping a backgammon board down there, to entertain a group of elderly ladies in the event of emergencies. It’s more likely to happen.

You know, when it comes to sex, you have to remember men are blessedly, almost serenely, laisser-faire creatures. Girls – THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE HAVING SEX WITH BICYCLES. Whether you wear sexy pants is neither here nor there to them. They’re really not that fussy. Remind yourself of this every day. For instant calmness, it’s better than meditation. Imagine if men indulged in similarly demented levels of needless overpreparation. If they did, they’d all have two tickets for a mini-break to Prague in their boxers, lest they come across a lady doing spot-checks on their levels of “total dreaminess”. As you may have noticed, men just aren’t doing that in their pants. Indeed, in this inclement weather, they’re barely keeping their genitals in there.

Preach it! I don't know how many times I've heard people defend thongs. Look, we are just not going to agree, but at least don't insult me. Just admit you do it because you think it's sexy. Do not tell me it's because your ass defies the laws of physics - you have a crack that is larger than the ribbon of cotton, therefore the ribbon of cotton will be inside your ass crack. That shit does not feel (or look, for that matter) all that good. While it may differ in size and shape, my ass is not wildly different than yours - it's not a fucking trapezoid. It's an ass. With a crack. And a piece of fabric in my ass crack does not = good times. If you like them, bless you, but do not tell me you do it for comfort because I seriously might have a rage stroke.

This rage attack inspiration wasn't brought on by panties, just a huge pile of panty waste by the name of Dr. Phil. Best Week Ever does a good job of guessing how it might have gone down. I might have to send this to my mother to finally shatter her faith in this man.

DR. PHIL: Let’s talk about Britney. I mean, what is her deal, yo? [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AT COMFORTABLE, GOOD-NATURED UNPROFESSIONALISM] I mean, what the hell, dammit?

And, finally, because I will not let go of the haunting vision of Huckabee volplaning around the country, eschewing the traditional campaign bus, to descend upon his flock of homeschooled masses alight with promise, their ankle length horsehair fluttering in his wake, it just too funny to me...but it looks like Huckabee Sugarglider Jesus will not be allowed into St. Paul.

I know, it was a long build up for not much pay off. Tomorrow is a new day.

Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 5 comments

Monday, January 7, 2008

On a totally serious tip, here, I want all of my girlfriends to read this excerpt titled "Love Your Fat Self". It doesn't matter if you're fat or skinny, it's some shit that people need to read. I am constantly amazed by the lack of discussion on the psychology of being overweight. Losing weight is really not that difficult. It's a simple formula we all know. Keeping weight off over a lifetime is what is nigh impossible, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that we keep neglecting how much emotion is tied up with our relationship to food.

Here are some chicken nuggets of goodness:

Thirty-five percent of those who diet go on to yo-yo diet, dragging their bodies through a cycle of weight gains and losses; 25 percent of those who diet develop partial- or full-syndrome eating disorders. As the mindfulness expert Susan Albers writes: “The dieting mind-set is akin to taking a knife and cutting the connection that is your body’s only line of communication with your head.” There is little hope for long-term improvement in health when this vital line is severed.

A starving person can ache just as deeply inside a thin body. Our dissatisfaction is never, at its deepest, about our bodies. This is why fat women and thin women often experience the world in similar ways. If a thin woman feels inadequate and “thinks fat,” she may endure less hate coming from the outside in than a fat woman does, but just as much criticism and sadness from the inside out. Likewise, if a woman of any size is able to stop her negative self-talk and accept herself, she may experience the world with a little peace of mind.

In fact, studies show that prolonged weight loss is more often the result of psychological work. In a two-year study conducted by nutrition researchers at the University of California, Davis, behavior change and self-acceptance were far more effective in achieving long-term health improvements in obese women than America’s most lucrative scam: dieting.

Gareth’s monologue provokes a storm of self-reflection. I would never say anything rude to a fat man or woman about his or her weight, but would I think it? I preach tolerance, but would I consider dating someone who is overweight? When I compliment Gareth on her new haircut, is there a part of me that feels relieved that she is undeniably beautiful despite being fat? Do I identify her anger more quickly than I would a thinner friend’s? Do I patronize her by complimenting her eyes, her sense of humor, her determination—as if the rest of her doesn’t exist?

Just as racism is not primarily about frightened white women clutching their purses but about the seemingly mundane, unconscious voices in our heads—Why do black girls have to be so loud? That Latina woman is probably a great nanny. This new Asian guy is probably really smart—sizeism is not about the drunken man who screams “fat bitch” at Gareth on the subway as much as it is about the march of hateful inner monologues: That girl would be so pretty if she would just lose some weight. I wonder what’s wrong with her, must be lazy. This fat bitch is taking up more than her share of the bus seat.

Labels: , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Did you guys ever catch the Guys and Dolls documentary? If you're not sure, then you haven't seen it. Because there is no way anyone can forget the stories of dudes who pay $10k for a doll that they can have relations with. It was deeply disturbing. There was no way around it. If one of the guys treated the dolls well, you were squicked out. If they stashed them under the beds and had them strewn about in their garage, you were beyond disturbed. When it comes to Real Dolls, no one comes out a winner.

It was so upsetting, and yet, they managed to create something even more terrifying: My Fake Baby. Prepare to want to light yourself on fire upon seeing grown women taking out dolls in enormous frilly prams, purchase designer clothes for the dolls, and generally scare the shit out of the entire world. And not just with their hair.

This lady is so nuts. Let me count the ways. First off, she's obsessed with biracial baby dolls, which is just creepy on a level I cannot fully articulate. Secondly, she spends serious cash on these dolls. Thirdly, she is supposedly (and one cannot fully believe this when one looks at her hair) obsessed with perfection. She actually flies to D.C. from the U.K. to pick up her newest baby, and then loses her shit when she finds an imperfection in the doll and has to go home without her baby after she had "spent two days bonding with the child." Only, it is a fucking DOLL.

I kept waiting for the documentary to cover women who'd lost a child, because you can excuse that, but they didn't. They kind of mailed it in and just followed some unbalanced women around. This was me for the entirety of the documentary.

This is some sort of cottage craft industry where you can overhaul regular dolls and make them super realistic with some minor adjustments and then sell them for $300-$600 on Ebay. I think I want to start my own line.

With the Real Dolls, at least the guy was bustin' a nut. I'm a little more hard pressed to see the return on this baby doll investment.

In the world of jacked up crafts, it seems some people are going hog wild on Etsy. There is some sort of cultural phenomenon with dick crafting. No joke.

Anyone in the mood for a soft pewter cock? Cause you too can have one to wear as a talisman.

Tantric, provocative and stimulating. Mini cock pendant glazed in a silky soft pewter. Feels great to the touch. You WILL want to fondle this constantly!
If that one didn't do enough for you, then let me show you this image. You know what I would love? A huge red rocket to wear on my neck all day. Shiny, too!

I'm almost sad the holiday season is over, because Etsy penis products really are such an ideal gift for anyone in your family. Got a foodie? Why not get him or her a surprise penis apron! Perfect for family reunions or quiet nights in with your loved one. Let's get a look at some of this hand-made craftsmanship.

Ladies, I don't know about you, but my husband is constantly forgetting his keys. I bet that wouldn't happen anymore with this on his key chain.

In today's crazy world, it's so easy to get caught up in the rat race and not take time out just for YOU. That's why you need a dick pillow. Wrap that shaft around your neck and let your head feel the kind of support only crocheted cock can provide. If that's not your thing, you can also purchase a dick throw pillow.

Like voodoo and sewing but detest men? Then this dick head prick cushion will help you as you sew your next vulva puppet for your Wimmin Loving Wimmin craft exchange. In a similar vein (no pun intended), put those penis envy myths to rest with a purse made out of a denim crotch with a....wait for it....SURPRISE DICK.

Maybe your man needs special dick soap? Maybe you been smellin' his dick and it ain't fresh. There are soaps for this. Let's just pray these weren't made to scale.

These bitches need to get this shit out of their system and go to a Japanese Sex Museum.

Also, while we're on the topic of wrongness, a woman had a cake made in her actual-sized likeness of her wedding. Best Week Ever's Michelle Collins nails this, but in short, this man is in for a lifetime of hurt. I wish that camera had turned around because it would have seen a sea of this.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments

Sweet little prop-moppet.

There are people out there making political props of their children, and because they are hilarious while doing it, and most likely play for my team, I support it. Swift kids for Truth, people.

You adorable little pudge. J'taime.

This child is a genius, "Barack Obama lied to the American people when he told us he was black. He is not black. I should know. I'm black." Also, very taken with the Indian child who states that John Edwards got a $4,000 manicure, and he should know, because his mother gave him that manicure.
Now that I know the potential children have for parody, I think it's time to bust out the breeding scale.

Today I'm almost at Mama Duggar level as I hover at severe. This story about an adorable toddler with autism who only speaks to animals didn't help matters.

These Swift Kids really need to attack Sugargliding Huckabee Jesus, because he has upped his game and is now charming the pants off of gay rock stars. NOT OKAY. DO NOT LOOK HIM DIRECTLY IN THE EYE, PEOPLE.

When I was young, my mom was mostly very liberal in her Catholicism. However, there was one incident of crazy where she informed me that the devil walked the earth and would try to charm you. You could spot him by his perfectly manicured finger nails. I doubt Hickabee SugarGlider Jesus has nice nails, but it's he is still satan. Do what my mom suggested, and loudly say, "HUCKABEE I REBUKE THEE." Do not make eye contact or shake his hand.

Labels: , , , , , ,

Email AddThis Social Bookmark Button 0 comments


The Assimilated Negro
Hysterical Festival
Jen Kirkman
lolcat bible project
O Hell Nawl
Maria Bamford
Men Who Look Like
Old Lesbians

Not Hating, Just Saying
Stuff White People Like
Unfit Toys


1 2 3 4