<body> YOU: On My Blog <body>
Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This morning, apropos of nothing, I got a chill down my spine as I readied for work. Something felt off-kilter in the universe. I proceeded to deep condition and then busted out in song. Only now do I realize how prophetic my choice of song would be.

Friend, the song I sang this morning?



Get thee right with God! The end is nigh!



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Having babies can sometimes keep personal problems at bay.

"[It] keeps you busy — if not through adoption, than in pregnancy, you get the oxytocin [often called the 'hormone of love'] bursts," said Honos-Webb. "You get attention from other people and you define your own role — all those things manage depression."

Often subclinical depression is not obvious to the person, according to Honos-Webb. "It's difficult to admit those feelings, especially if you have a healthy child and every reason to be happy."

Having children to find happiness is a "recipe for a mental health disaster," according to Honos-Webb, who coins the phenomenon a "Mother Theresa complex." The result can be a failure to attach emotionally, causing eating disorders and depression in the children.

"There is such an imbalance to give and not to take," she said. "On the one hand, Mother Theresa was a saint, but on the other hand, it was a perfect formula for major depression."



OH SHIT! Suspicions confirmed, bitchez! I am now in a lather. All this week I have been "a baby would be nice right about now" because I am on the bottom of Fortuna's Wheel. But damn, if ABC didn't call my ass out right along with Angelina Jolie.

I am now going to redirect myself to the little Photoshop collage I have assembled that, I think, accurately presents my current position.




Which means, I'm on LOW for today. Hold on for a manic 180 within weeks!



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I am in a total daze today. There are a lot of variables that contribute to this, but I believe a large part may have to do with the historical fiction bender I have been on. Seriously, I need to get on that A&E Intervention show because I am mentally mainlining tales involving frocks, lacings, ribbons, "giving a lord your favors", the word "mayhap," and shan't. It needs to stop. If you have a good book recommendation that is not the KiteRunner (I want a tshirt in the style of "Needs More Cowbell" that says "Needs More Ass Rape"), drop it in the comments.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Okay, let's be clear, I'm sure being freakishly beautiful is a bizarre experience. And I'm sure there's weirdness when you're, as one musical and occasionally lesbianic patchouli wearer said, "the prettiest girl in the room."

But it's a bold move to claim that you were kicked out of a plane for being pretty. You better back that shit up. From the video CNN posted, I can see how both of these girls' behavior could be the opposite of pretty.


O rly?

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Angelina is due to give birth to a "less than" symbol. Ouchie!

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Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last real blog post. Do I have a real excuse? Well, as my disgusting slob of a spikey haired high school Philosophy teacher said "there are always reasons, but often very few excuses." She was a total See You Next Tuesday, but that phrase burned itself into my memory. Just like her flat, wide, inverted triangle of a trucker ass.

To make amends to you, gentle reader, I will introduce you to something so dazzlingly stupid, it may just be the Ark of the Covenant, but foolish. Like, retina-searing in its pure WTFedness:

DICK HATS

It’s not a secret

It’s no secret that most women love chocolate. And most men already have a special
name for their “decider,” so the only next logical step is to give it some personality
with a sinfully dark chocolate hat. It’s a win-win situation for both parties!

Is this website a joke?

Nope! Sex toys are sooooooo 2007. It’s about time for something more adventurous and interactive. DickHats were inspired by a British poll done in May 2007 suggesting that many women prefer a sensuous piece of chocolate over a sexual encounter with her mate. DickHats were developed to undo this tragedy and bring the universe back into balance!


I like to think of the myriad ways this can go horribly wrong. Por ejemplo, I'm envisioning some chocolate addicted lass going downtown and looking adorably up at her mate, smiling, with chocolate blacking out her grill. Then I am imagining the horrendous , earth-shattering UTI that some dude is going to wake up with after he had the brilliant idea to smear marshmallow fluff all over his curved schlong and delicate dickhole to hold this helmut in place.

However, I will take off my own metaphorical dickhat to them for this amazing ad:



I approve of almost anything that employs the usage of: dickhead, cockhole, dickhole, or mushroom cap. I'm just biased like that.

What would the female equivalent of this be? I will not stand for the injustice! Where is our meatball sub flavored pussy lozenge?


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Monday, February 25, 2008

Hey, instead of entertaining you with a blog entry including some scrap of content, I'm just going to whore out some upcoming thingies of mine.

First up!

TONIGHT I WILL BE ON FUCKING SIRIUS RADIO! Did you hear that? Hells yes. I will be on Sirius Satellite Radio's "The Blog Bunker" on Indie Talk (Channel 110) at 5:30 pm and will be sitting next to the most hilarious Palestinian (besides Yasser Arafat) Dean Obeidallah
.

As if that shizz wasn't cool enough, I'll also be hanging out with my wimmin friends exploring our yonis and root chakras at NYU next Monday (March 3rd) at 7pm. I shit you not when I tell you this show is FREE because we believe in the fierce woman warriors and their cause. Stop shaving your legs now and join us!

Join NYU as they kick-off Women's History month with a celebration of women in the arts. The event will feature Chicks and Giggles—a stand-up group featuring the best female comics in New York City at the E&L Auditorium (4th Floor) Kimmel Student Center, 60 Washington Square South.

Featuring:

Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (VH1)
Rachael Parenta (Oh, Hello)
Mindy Raf (College Humor)
Giulia Rozzi (Mtv)
Diana Saez (DC Comedy Fest)

Doors open at 7PM. Food will be provided.
Entrance Policy: Bring a photo ID to enter. So bring your friends!
FREE tickets can be picked up at Ticket Central. Go to ChicksnGiggles NYU to reserve your free tix!

Also, if you like to kick it with hipsters while being down with a cause, I'll be at my girl Jamie Lee's awesome new show "Diamonds in the Fluff
" THIS TUESDAY in Brooklyn. Why "Fluff" you ask? Because we're doing it for the sweet furry faces at the Brooklyn Animal Rescue Coalition. So, if you don't go to this show, you might as well change your name to Michael Vick. HIPSTERS REQUIRED TO CHECK THEIR JUDGMENT AT THE DOOR.

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Friday, February 22, 2008

Two more episodes of "You Suck at Photoshop" for your delectation.



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Thursday, February 21, 2008



The only science experiment I remember from school was one I did on snow leopards. It was 7th grade and I teamed up with another girl as immature and on the other side of puberty as I was. I kid you not when I tell you we had her mother make us leopard ears and tails. We then wore coordinating sweat suits and painted our faces for our class presentation. That's called COMMITMENT. This amazing photolist of science experiments will transport you back to your own salad days of trifold posterboard and rubber cement.

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Finally, a line of tampons that really wants to suck your blood.



Source: Jezebel

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It's bad enough that she constantly talks about her 35 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE (when is someone going to ask her to break that down, exactly?) but then she went and did this:






And she's totally dead to me.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

The key thing to a successful marriage is to keep things fresh, that's why we had ourselves a Very Different celebration this year:




We've never had e. coli on our anniversary before!

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Thursday, February 14, 2008



If only! Need a pick me up? Love Obama? He loves you back!






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Wednesday, February 13, 2008



The old lady in me is all "I weep for the future" and the moron in me is all "Jesus Christ, I'm glad there wasn't YouTube when I was this age because I'm pretty sure I would have made this girl look like a Rhodes Scholar."

Source

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In my own happy place, that would not be a statue of Jesus being struck by lightning, but
Scott Stapp doing his last ever rendition of Arms Wide Open. If this were a just world, it would be so. I will never forgive that douche for the reign of terror he led in 1999 and we know he's good at holding that pose. Unfortunately, we all know what he'd look like if he were (God willing) struck by lightning.

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Okay, truth is when I read the words "world's smallest bodybuilder" I thought it was going to be another kid lifting weights, but lo!


How hard does this guy rule? First off, his name is Romeo, which is a score. Secondly, he has a killer 'stache at the tender age of 19. Thirdly, he is fucking stone cold "whatevs" about being lifted up by some hairy backed cretin. Fourthly, he's rocking that hair. Fithly, I cannot ever imagine a dude with a smile like this could ever be a dick, ever.



Romeo is famous in his home country, and his father has spoken of his pride in his son's determination to overcome any difficulties in his path. "He has never been bothered at being so small. He has no inferiority complex. He is the jewel of our family."
If that isn't the sweetest thing you've read in ages you should really try and buy yourself a soul.

Source

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Sometimes tranny midgets with sinister cackles and haunting dance moves are not enough to scare me shitless. Sometimes I need something stronger than just contemplating the expansion of the universe to shake me of that nasty habit I have of sleeping soundly at night. Thankfully, there's this to keep us all awake and re-enacting the last scene from The Blair Witch:


Quick! Look at something cute!


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Sunday, February 10, 2008

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Friday, February 8, 2008

Please watch this no matter what the obstacles to watching video may be because this is so worth it.

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Do you feel like you get too much restful sleep devoid of bone-chilling nightmares? Are clowns losing their edge? Are you in search of something that will finally induce Fellini-esque nightmares? Has it been too long since you were wakened by the sound of your own screaming and/or weeping?

Then try La Pequena Prohibida today!




Source: BoingBoing

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Thursday, February 7, 2008

I do not know why I continue to frequent this coffee shop. It provides a comfortable, relatively quiet environment, good coffee, but there are serious drawbacks. These would be the soundtrack that is offered (old standards as sung by Rod Stewart) and the clientele drawn here.

For some reason middle-aged men flock to this space. That's fine by me, except for the fact that these are white, middle-aged men whose every move, every overly loud conversation, exudes entitlement.

I'm listening to two dudes who probably weigh 250 a piece talk about what they'd do to another patron (early 30s, petite, very well dressed, attractive) while she sits within earshot and clearly finds them disgusting.

One of these guys, on his way out, asked the other dude to get her name for him. I am telling you this fool looked like this:



But with worse hair, glasses hot from the David Koresh line at Sears Optical, and a boatload of dandruff all over his LL Bean long sleeve mock turtleneck.

This is unacceptable to me as a feminist and a human being. This man's self-esteem must be harnessed and used for good.

In a similar vein, the New York Times has a piece on Beta Guys. I know a lot of Beta Males, and I like them in theory. The problem with the Beta Males is the same as the problem with the guy above, they over play their hand. Any of the dudes in that article could be dating, but instead they have this unreasonable belief that, despite all appearances, they are entitled to alpha, trophy girlfriends.

Lowered expectations, people.

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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Look, something is happening with Hollywood women to the point that bitches are looking like they've been embalmed.

I've covered this territory with Keira Knightley before, but Lohan has been walking around LA like she's searching for Anubis or some shit. I'm not even sure I have the right words for this, but there is something you'll notice about most mummy faces - the skin tends to recede and shrink away from the mouth and tighten stiffly at the hollows of the cheek. Please note this fine vision of King Tut:


You will witness this same effect on the vodka-pickled, yet technically still breathing Lohan in that same jawline/mouth area:



Am I totally off base here?

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Monday, February 4, 2008

A lot of my friends ask "Diana, you and Sam are so hip, so on the pulse of the latest trends in food, fashion, film...how do you do it?" Unfortunately, I have no answer for that. It would be like asking a tree how it grows so tall and mighty. What I can do for all of you plebes is offer up a few minutes of our sharp and witty repartee. It's possible the cool may rub off on you.

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Sunday, February 3, 2008


News reporters, take note. If you are going to report on something that is cute, like, say a zoo giraffe getting a custom made coat, find a way to get a fucking picture involved. Do not, under any circumstances, simply replace the much anticipated photograph of a giraffe in a wool swing coat (that would be my pick) with a Google map of where Oakland is located. I have seen maps before. What I have not seen is a giraffe in a jacket. And that's something that needs to be remedied, quickly.

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Friday, February 1, 2008

Mississippi legislators want to force restaurants to refuse service to obese patrons. How would restaurant staff determine someone's body mass index was obese? What would the punishment be? Is this even constitutional? Has no one thought of what this might mean for future aspiring Jared Fogles?



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In an ideal world, it would involve this:

And me and My Lova would sit astride our thrones, caressing each other's faces and singing Our Song.



They're even seated the same way! And they look like they're pooping!

Thanks, Riff.

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Do you have mutant eyes? An affinity for pets that shit in boxes? Then thank the middle east for providing you with blue eyes and cats!

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Y'all need to be making like this cat here and posting comments.

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Linkage

Apiary
The Assimilated Negro
Copyranter
CrunkandDisorderly
CuteOverload
D-Listed
FourFour
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Hysterical Festival
Jen Kirkman
lolcat bible project
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