Facebook is full of FAIL, and yet I am suckered into it like anyone else. What I really love is when I get a friend request from someone I don't know, don't have any friends in common with, and proves to be totally, 100% disgusting.
With that I give you Stevey and his wonderwall:
I think my favorite in that list is "Cheese or Oral Sex?" I would like to know if, in the history of humankind, someone has ever had to choose between the two. I'm pretty sure you can have both, if that's what you desire. I didn't realize they competed against each other often enough to warrant a Facebook group.
Lest you think Stevey is some sort of PERVERT, let it be known:
BoingBoing insists this is for real. I'm not sure it's totally real. I mean "You Are So Beautiful To Me" is playing throughout this instructional video. You'd think there'd be some narration. Still, it is both mesmerizing and absolutely terrifying to behold. I could not help but think of this the entire time:
Looks like I'm going to have to hang up my "I never win anything" whine. Just today I found out I won tickets to see Rhys Darby at 92Y-Tribeca tomorrow night! Not sure if I am going to make it since I'm booked to do a show of my own at the same time, but at least I can ensure that my New Zealand husband does not get shafted from being amongst his brethren.
And how did I get so lucky? Oh, just a little site called The Apiary! Check in on them or add them to your blog feed to get in on more of these little giveaways.
I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.
Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.
Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.
What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.
However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.
Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.
Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.
She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?
I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.
And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.
You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.
True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):
This man lives in my nightmares. You might recognize him from one of those horrible eHarmony ads. I have been trying to figure out why he deeply troubles my subconscious and I think I have a few leads:
- He has crazy eyes. Seriously. Watch the ad. The whites of his eyes show over his irises and that's always a bad sign.
- He looks just like a dude who called me a JAP in Ohio when I yelled at him for stealing my parking space.
- Ann Marie (his eHarmony bride) seems like she's suffering Stockholm Syndrome. Talks about how she "calms him down" which immediately terrifies me.
Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone in being totally freaked by this dude. HIS EYES SEE EVERYTHING, THEY NEVER BLINK.
I thought my mind had been blown when we got cartooned. Then Sara found out that someone had entered us into LiveJournal popculture notoriety. Witness this dedication! My personal favorite.
Theeeen, as if that wasn't totally dudical, Siddhartha Mitter from WNYC interviewed me, Sara, Baratunde Thurston, and Julie Klausner. You can catch it online!
But then shit got REALLY crunk because The New Yorker invited us to work their festival this weekend which meant we got into a super swank opening party resulting in amazingness.
Yes, Sara has blogged about it because she is not full of molasses like sorry ole me, but the following ensued (after a lot of champagne):
1. I told author Jeffrey Eugenides (author of Virgin Suicides and Middlesex): “I really loved Middlesex. I have read it repeatedly, and I really relate to it, although I’m not a hermaphrodite.”
2. I thrust a drunken fist in the air at the sight of Alan Cumming's Barack the Vote tshirt and he gave me a peace sign. LOVE.
3. I witnessed a very pretty, very tiny Regina Specktor talking to a trio of hipster douchebags.
4. Sam and I rode the elevator up with Oliver Stone and his posse.
5. Salman Rushdie was walking around and I had to restrain myself (I was only 2 champagnes in so this was still possible) from whispering to him "Padma's a bitch" and then running out of the room.
6. On the walk up Park Avenue towards our homeland, Istarted playing with garbage, including a discarded bra and a shoe, and threw them in the air because I was feeling like Mary Fucking Tyler Moore:
7. Ended up sitting on a sofa across from WESCRAVEN and his amazing, beautiful, warm, friendly wife Iya Labunka (producer on Heathers) and having a butt ass long conversation full of wonder. Highlights included:
- Telling Wes Craven: "My brothers got years of mileage terrifying me with fanfic enchanced Freddy Krueger stories, 'SO THANKS A LOT, WES!'"
- Calling him WESCRAVEN at every possible opportunity.
- Talking about zero gravity sex (Buzz, Neil, we all agreed you probably cranked one off in space).
- Hearing the awesome tale of how Iya and Wes met.
That was pretty much the best party I ever went to. It was also very pretty in that hotel with light bulbs on the ceiling.
And the next day we got to perform at the New Yorker Festival's Humor Panel for 350 people. We were the fluffers for the panel. Witness the happiness.
WITNESS US MEETING Samantha Bee, who is soooo funny and nice in person (and even prettier).
If you thought the story was going to stop here, you were wrong. Because then, by some miracle, we got to meet Margaret Cho that same night. I have the pictures to prove it.
I'm not quite sure how a weekend like that can be topped!
Big news, dudes! Sara and I were asked to do the Palin vlogs for 23/6. We're excited about it. You can catch us on the 23/6 site and the 23/6 YouTube channel. Not too much of a change, really. Still on YouTube, so git to it!
Also, and I'm so in love with this, Scott Bateman from Salon.com animated a vlog (with exclusive, not seen before content). It's so adorable! Enjoy!
Also, the latest vlogs for 23/6:
Debate Prep!
Katie Couric (Totally not qualified for journalism)
I can't stop coming back to DC. Really, it's a great place for comedy. People turn out. They're smart. They're ready to laugh. It's everything a comic wants out of a crowd. So when my gurl (and amazing comic) Aparna said "will you do a show in DC" I was like, um, let me see if I can work that into my usual schedule of sitting on my ass and watching The Rachel Maddow Show non-stop and questioning my sexuality.
So, it's on, and what makes it especially awesome is that it's headlined by Ms. Erin Jackson. Um, she's kind of a big deal and all now, especially after getting on THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW. I seriously had wee tears of joy in my eyes watching the clip because anyone who's close to Erin knows that Ellen is one of her biggest influences. Watching her get to sit down and talk to her after her set almost made me believe in God again. Girlfriend is blowing UP, so see her now before she only plays stadiums and theatres.
We'll be performing at the DC Improv Lounge Friday and Saturday this weekend. Doors open at 7:30 and tickets are only $10!
Can't get enough of Sara Benincasa's brilliant satirical take on Sarah Palin? Neither can we. I'm telling you, I haven't had this much fun since I was a child. It's like grown-up happy play time where we get to play pretend.
So, here are #5 and #6 - but keep an eye out on Sara's YouTube channel because another one is in the hopper and Dina (moi) makes an appearance!
There is more, so much more Sarah Palin vlogging in store for you all. We had three more, and they are all over the damn internet. Watch these and learn to live again:
Sarah Palin Vlog #2
Sarah Palin Vlog #3 (The number 1 featured comedy on YouTube!)
Sarah Palin Vlog #4
Sara Benincasa not only gave an amazing performance, but edited all of these. The improving between us as Sarah Palin and Dina Heath-Barr was nothing short of magical. Be on the look out for more goodness.
What happens when two couples get together, eat Ethiopian food, and talk shit about McCain's VP, Sarah Palin? MAGIC. This is just a teaser of more to come. Sara Benincasa and I, aided by our domestic partners Sam and Ces, shot probably an hour and a half of this shit, improving pure MAGIC.
It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!
I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.
Can I speak freely here? I hate you.
Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.
We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands. So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.
Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.
As I begin to rapid mood cycle once more, I looked to Teh Google to self-diagnose. In an effort to see what symptoms for ADD/ADHD might be and if that might be the latest thing to justify my behavior, I found this:
Yes, what if my mental disorder was a GIFT and I learned from this guy:
Look at the gift of ADD he bears complete with a stiff, awkward gesture like so many magi. How could you not want this gift when the packaging comes in the form of Lurch in an ill-fitting Men's Warehouse suit?
This photo is proof that when reporting about obesity, journalists get so excited about churning out another fatty piece that they can barely contain themselves before breathlessly uploading the first picture of a headless fatty they can find.
Whenever I Google something I inevitably end up on some sort of About.com page. While they often have good info, I loathe the site's clunky design and especially that stroke-inducing frame that appears EVERYWHERE.
After dealing with three days of heartburn, I decided to see what the hell could be causing it. I still haven't found a decent enough answer, but I did find out that About.com's face of heartburn/GERD is exactly what you'd expect.
Straight out of GERD central casting. What sucks is that it's like looking directly into my future. Hold me, Jesus.
I'm not an English major or someone who gets their panties in a knot over spelling/grammar mistakes (mostly because I make so many myself) but I do think in this case, some punctuation would be appropriate. Unless, of course, someone really is casting call girls or call boys ages 10 to 12. Doesn't sound like any educational entertainment I know of.
I read today that Jacques Diouf, a UN food agency chief, blasted the West for obesity amidst food shortages around the world. One quote from Diouf on the topic was "no one understands ... how over-consumption by obese people in the world costs 20 billion dollars each year."
I have a lot of problems with the simplicity of this statement. As though there is a secret obese cabal lurking in the shadows, gleefully consuming to spite the rest of the world. But let's not get into nuance. It's not what you come here for, and it's not something I'm particularly good at. Let's get to the nut meat. Amidst this very serious article was the following photo:
What I most love is the contrast of the aggressive, almost vicious look on the fat kid's face as he takes down more cotton candy and the sweet, pensive, delicate look the starving child gives. It's as though the fat kid could easily be eating one of the malnourished child's limbs.
My money is on up-and-down. Apparently, however, that's not scientific enough, so a team of researchers needed to conduct in depth research on the topic, complete with a slide show. Ladies, The Sun would like us to know that this may just revolutionize bra technology. And do you know who we have to thank? One busty blonde who was willing to put it all on the line and jog while a team of horny researchers took photos.
Facebook is full of FAIL, and yet I am suckered into it like anyone else. What I really love is when I get a friend request from someone I don't know, don't have any friends in common with, and proves to be totally, 100% disgusting.
With that I give you Stevey and his wonderwall:
I think my favorite in that list is "Cheese or Oral Sex?" I would like to know if, in the history of humankind, someone has ever had to choose between the two. I'm pretty sure you can have both, if that's what you desire. I didn't realize they competed against each other often enough to warrant a Facebook group.
Lest you think Stevey is some sort of PERVERT, let it be known:
BoingBoing insists this is for real. I'm not sure it's totally real. I mean "You Are So Beautiful To Me" is playing throughout this instructional video. You'd think there'd be some narration. Still, it is both mesmerizing and absolutely terrifying to behold. I could not help but think of this the entire time:
Oh yeah! When I went to the Found Footage Festival at Comix they showed clips from this video (sans Joe Cocker), and they even had one of the masks there! It's amazing how they manage to make it even more creepy by having those metal spikes sticking out the back of the thing...
I thought it couldn't possibly be real. Now I wonder if it just might be. But I hold onto my initial assertion that there's no fucking way this is real...even if they are selling those masks and shit.
Yep, this is real. Except the song has been dubbed over the original narration on how to use the mask. The nodes deliver a mild current to tighten facial muscles (in therory), like those belts that stimulate the abs.
When I first saw the infomerical (around Y2K), I laughed. Then I kept watching...strangely mesmerizing. ;)
Looks like I'm going to have to hang up my "I never win anything" whine. Just today I found out I won tickets to see Rhys Darby at 92Y-Tribeca tomorrow night! Not sure if I am going to make it since I'm booked to do a show of my own at the same time, but at least I can ensure that my New Zealand husband does not get shafted from being amongst his brethren.
And how did I get so lucky? Oh, just a little site called The Apiary! Check in on them or add them to your blog feed to get in on more of these little giveaways.
Deep breaths. I'm fairly confident Obama will win next Tuesday..."Dancing With the Stars" AND the Election. Done deal.
My biggest fear? The Hot Mess from Alaska keeps gunnin' for power. Forget "A chicken in every pot" -- we're gonna be seein' bumpers with this sticker: A GUN IN EVERY HOUSE AND A BABY IN EVERY BELLY.
I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.
Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.
Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.
What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.
However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.
Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.
Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.
She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?
I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.
And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.
You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.
True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):
Awesome entry. It was neat to hear about all the behind-the-scenes stuff! I just posted about Wiig on my blog. She's freakin histerical. My friend and I have been trying to get SNL tickets. Our day will come.
This man lives in my nightmares. You might recognize him from one of those horrible eHarmony ads. I have been trying to figure out why he deeply troubles my subconscious and I think I have a few leads:
- He has crazy eyes. Seriously. Watch the ad. The whites of his eyes show over his irises and that's always a bad sign.
- He looks just like a dude who called me a JAP in Ohio when I yelled at him for stealing my parking space.
- Ann Marie (his eHarmony bride) seems like she's suffering Stockholm Syndrome. Talks about how she "calms him down" which immediately terrifies me.
Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone in being totally freaked by this dude. HIS EYES SEE EVERYTHING, THEY NEVER BLINK.
h'omg. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS POST. it needed to be written pronto-stat. forget his eyes. i have trouble looking past his large cro-magnon chin. it practically pushes the picture from 3D straight into the fourth dimension. YES. I MEAN IT ALTERS TIME. THAT'S HOW MUCH IT PROTRUDES.
He's very "Flowers in the Attic." You want to put the book down because you know it's going to a Really Bad Place but you keep reading in hopes of the children getting rescued by a long lost and very kind Uncle and then you get to THAT PART and you just wish you had never. read. the book.
I thought my mind had been blown when we got cartooned. Then Sara found out that someone had entered us into LiveJournal popculture notoriety. Witness this dedication! My personal favorite.
Theeeen, as if that wasn't totally dudical, Siddhartha Mitter from WNYC interviewed me, Sara, Baratunde Thurston, and Julie Klausner. You can catch it online!
But then shit got REALLY crunk because The New Yorker invited us to work their festival this weekend which meant we got into a super swank opening party resulting in amazingness.
Yes, Sara has blogged about it because she is not full of molasses like sorry ole me, but the following ensued (after a lot of champagne):
1. I told author Jeffrey Eugenides (author of Virgin Suicides and Middlesex): “I really loved Middlesex. I have read it repeatedly, and I really relate to it, although I’m not a hermaphrodite.”
2. I thrust a drunken fist in the air at the sight of Alan Cumming's Barack the Vote tshirt and he gave me a peace sign. LOVE.
3. I witnessed a very pretty, very tiny Regina Specktor talking to a trio of hipster douchebags.
4. Sam and I rode the elevator up with Oliver Stone and his posse.
5. Salman Rushdie was walking around and I had to restrain myself (I was only 2 champagnes in so this was still possible) from whispering to him "Padma's a bitch" and then running out of the room.
6. On the walk up Park Avenue towards our homeland, Istarted playing with garbage, including a discarded bra and a shoe, and threw them in the air because I was feeling like Mary Fucking Tyler Moore:
7. Ended up sitting on a sofa across from WESCRAVEN and his amazing, beautiful, warm, friendly wife Iya Labunka (producer on Heathers) and having a butt ass long conversation full of wonder. Highlights included:
- Telling Wes Craven: "My brothers got years of mileage terrifying me with fanfic enchanced Freddy Krueger stories, 'SO THANKS A LOT, WES!'"
- Calling him WESCRAVEN at every possible opportunity.
- Talking about zero gravity sex (Buzz, Neil, we all agreed you probably cranked one off in space).
- Hearing the awesome tale of how Iya and Wes met.
That was pretty much the best party I ever went to. It was also very pretty in that hotel with light bulbs on the ceiling.
And the next day we got to perform at the New Yorker Festival's Humor Panel for 350 people. We were the fluffers for the panel. Witness the happiness.
WITNESS US MEETING Samantha Bee, who is soooo funny and nice in person (and even prettier).
If you thought the story was going to stop here, you were wrong. Because then, by some miracle, we got to meet Margaret Cho that same night. I have the pictures to prove it.
I'm not quite sure how a weekend like that can be topped!
WTF? who ARE you? and how can I be you when I grow up? So EXCITING!!! Padma is a bitch, what does she know about food? She's so tiny? And Margaret Cho... have you showered yet? If not I'm gonna hunt you down in the city tonite and touch you... because you touched her and a third degree touch is as good as me being there myself ;)
I heart Margaret Cho so much I would have hugged her.
I know you were happy because in the picture with Cho you smiled with your teeth. Toothy grin = childlike glee. Your husband will probably never be able to make you cum again, and it's all WESCRAVEN's fault!
Big news, dudes! Sara and I were asked to do the Palin vlogs for 23/6. We're excited about it. You can catch us on the 23/6 site and the 23/6 YouTube channel. Not too much of a change, really. Still on YouTube, so git to it!
Also, and I'm so in love with this, Scott Bateman from Salon.com animated a vlog (with exclusive, not seen before content). It's so adorable! Enjoy!
Also, the latest vlogs for 23/6:
Debate Prep!
Katie Couric (Totally not qualified for journalism)
I can't stop coming back to DC. Really, it's a great place for comedy. People turn out. They're smart. They're ready to laugh. It's everything a comic wants out of a crowd. So when my gurl (and amazing comic) Aparna said "will you do a show in DC" I was like, um, let me see if I can work that into my usual schedule of sitting on my ass and watching The Rachel Maddow Show non-stop and questioning my sexuality.
So, it's on, and what makes it especially awesome is that it's headlined by Ms. Erin Jackson. Um, she's kind of a big deal and all now, especially after getting on THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW. I seriously had wee tears of joy in my eyes watching the clip because anyone who's close to Erin knows that Ellen is one of her biggest influences. Watching her get to sit down and talk to her after her set almost made me believe in God again. Girlfriend is blowing UP, so see her now before she only plays stadiums and theatres.
We'll be performing at the DC Improv Lounge Friday and Saturday this weekend. Doors open at 7:30 and tickets are only $10!
Can't get enough of Sara Benincasa's brilliant satirical take on Sarah Palin? Neither can we. I'm telling you, I haven't had this much fun since I was a child. It's like grown-up happy play time where we get to play pretend.
So, here are #5 and #6 - but keep an eye out on Sara's YouTube channel because another one is in the hopper and Dina (moi) makes an appearance!
Sarah Palin Vlogs, Unearths Complex Family History
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
There is more, so much more Sarah Palin vlogging in store for you all. We had three more, and they are all over the damn internet. Watch these and learn to live again:
Sarah Palin Vlog #2
Sarah Palin Vlog #3 (The number 1 featured comedy on YouTube!)
Sarah Palin Vlog #4
Sara Benincasa not only gave an amazing performance, but edited all of these. The improving between us as Sarah Palin and Dina Heath-Barr was nothing short of magical. Be on the look out for more goodness.
What happens when two couples get together, eat Ethiopian food, and talk shit about McCain's VP, Sarah Palin? MAGIC. This is just a teaser of more to come. Sara Benincasa and I, aided by our domestic partners Sam and Ces, shot probably an hour and a half of this shit, improving pure MAGIC.
It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!
I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.
Can I speak freely here? I hate you.
Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.
We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands. So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.
Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.
Dear Diana, I cannot even begin to describe the glee this post has brought me. I seriously just read it out loud to my mom while uncontrollably laughing through every sentence. Love 4eva, Sam
As I begin to rapid mood cycle once more, I looked to Teh Google to self-diagnose. In an effort to see what symptoms for ADD/ADHD might be and if that might be the latest thing to justify my behavior, I found this:
Yes, what if my mental disorder was a GIFT and I learned from this guy:
Look at the gift of ADD he bears complete with a stiff, awkward gesture like so many magi. How could you not want this gift when the packaging comes in the form of Lurch in an ill-fitting Men's Warehouse suit?
This photo is proof that when reporting about obesity, journalists get so excited about churning out another fatty piece that they can barely contain themselves before breathlessly uploading the first picture of a headless fatty they can find.
Whenever I Google something I inevitably end up on some sort of About.com page. While they often have good info, I loathe the site's clunky design and especially that stroke-inducing frame that appears EVERYWHERE.
After dealing with three days of heartburn, I decided to see what the hell could be causing it. I still haven't found a decent enough answer, but I did find out that About.com's face of heartburn/GERD is exactly what you'd expect.
Straight out of GERD central casting. What sucks is that it's like looking directly into my future. Hold me, Jesus.
I'm not an English major or someone who gets their panties in a knot over spelling/grammar mistakes (mostly because I make so many myself) but I do think in this case, some punctuation would be appropriate. Unless, of course, someone really is casting call girls or call boys ages 10 to 12. Doesn't sound like any educational entertainment I know of.
I read today that Jacques Diouf, a UN food agency chief, blasted the West for obesity amidst food shortages around the world. One quote from Diouf on the topic was "no one understands ... how over-consumption by obese people in the world costs 20 billion dollars each year."
I have a lot of problems with the simplicity of this statement. As though there is a secret obese cabal lurking in the shadows, gleefully consuming to spite the rest of the world. But let's not get into nuance. It's not what you come here for, and it's not something I'm particularly good at. Let's get to the nut meat. Amidst this very serious article was the following photo:
What I most love is the contrast of the aggressive, almost vicious look on the fat kid's face as he takes down more cotton candy and the sweet, pensive, delicate look the starving child gives. It's as though the fat kid could easily be eating one of the malnourished child's limbs.
I'm sorry but if you are a fat turd from the the bountiful folds of the American heartland, you are going to consume carbs, growth hormone-injected meat, and palett after palett of beer. What has the East African desert ever offered us besides dust? Distribution is the issue, not consumption.
My money is on up-and-down. Apparently, however, that's not scientific enough, so a team of researchers needed to conduct in depth research on the topic, complete with a slide show. Ladies, The Sun would like us to know that this may just revolutionize bra technology. And do you know who we have to thank? One busty blonde who was willing to put it all on the line and jog while a team of horny researchers took photos.
