I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.
Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.
Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.
What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.
However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.
Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.
Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.
She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?
I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.
And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.
You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.
True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):
This man lives in my nightmares. You might recognize him from one of those horrible eHarmony ads. I have been trying to figure out why he deeply troubles my subconscious and I think I have a few leads:
- He has crazy eyes. Seriously. Watch the ad. The whites of his eyes show over his irises and that's always a bad sign.
- He looks just like a dude who called me a JAP in Ohio when I yelled at him for stealing my parking space.
- Ann Marie (his eHarmony bride) seems like she's suffering Stockholm Syndrome. Talks about how she "calms him down" which immediately terrifies me.
Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone in being totally freaked by this dude. HIS EYES SEE EVERYTHING, THEY NEVER BLINK.
Well, hi! If you're new around here it's likely due to the Sarah Palin vlogs. They are quite hilarious, I agree. Want more? Haven't seen the latest batch? Have you seen the face of Dina Heath-Barr?
Palin Vlog #7 (DINA APPEARS)
Palin Vlog #8 (Burning "Go Ask Alice" is good for the environment)
Palin Vlog #9 (First Church of Sarah Palin, Jesus Christ)
Palin Vlog #10 (In which we call for Keith Olbermann's dismantling)
These have been SOOO much fun to be a part of. Sara Benincasa not only does an amazing Palin, but she busts ass and edits these puppies. As a result of her hard work the vlogs have been featured in Wired, Newsweek, Time, and aired on CNN (we love you Wolf Blitzer). I'm still holding out hope that Rachel Maddow will ask us to be on her show so that she can ask me to run away with her. Sam said he was okay with that.
If you're new around here, feel free to have a poke around the blog. You can also catch me on Twitter and Facebook, and see some of my comedy here and here !
Can't get enough of Sara Benincasa's brilliant satirical take on Sarah Palin? Neither can we. I'm telling you, I haven't had this much fun since I was a child. It's like grown-up happy play time where we get to play pretend.
So, here are #5 and #6 - but keep an eye out on Sara's YouTube channel because another one is in the hopper and Dina (moi) makes an appearance!
There is more, so much more Sarah Palin vlogging in store for you all. We had three more, and they are all over the damn internet. Watch these and learn to live again:
Sarah Palin Vlog #2
Sarah Palin Vlog #3 (The number 1 featured comedy on YouTube!)
Sarah Palin Vlog #4
Sara Benincasa not only gave an amazing performance, but edited all of these. The improving between us as Sarah Palin and Dina Heath-Barr was nothing short of magical. Be on the look out for more goodness.
It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!
I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.
Can I speak freely here? I hate you.
Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.
We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands. So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.
Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.
This photo is proof that when reporting about obesity, journalists get so excited about churning out another fatty piece that they can barely contain themselves before breathlessly uploading the first picture of a headless fatty they can find.
From that headline, I had assumed the story was about a scientist's taint. It could happen. Maybe he has a particularly unique taint from all the lab chemicals. The actual story was a major let down.
I read today that Jacques Diouf, a UN food agency chief, blasted the West for obesity amidst food shortages around the world. One quote from Diouf on the topic was "no one understands ... how over-consumption by obese people in the world costs 20 billion dollars each year."
I have a lot of problems with the simplicity of this statement. As though there is a secret obese cabal lurking in the shadows, gleefully consuming to spite the rest of the world. But let's not get into nuance. It's not what you come here for, and it's not something I'm particularly good at. Let's get to the nut meat. Amidst this very serious article was the following photo:
What I most love is the contrast of the aggressive, almost vicious look on the fat kid's face as he takes down more cotton candy and the sweet, pensive, delicate look the starving child gives. It's as though the fat kid could easily be eating one of the malnourished child's limbs.
My money is on up-and-down. Apparently, however, that's not scientific enough, so a team of researchers needed to conduct in depth research on the topic, complete with a slide show. Ladies, The Sun would like us to know that this may just revolutionize bra technology. And do you know who we have to thank? One busty blonde who was willing to put it all on the line and jog while a team of horny researchers took photos.
I admit, when I first heard the "buuuurrrrr" it seemed clear it could be nothing BUT a fart. Tim Russert certainly doesn't look like a man capable of holding in his farts. In fact, I'm willing to wager that he let one right at the moment this book cover photo was taken.
After reading the update and some of the comments, I realized upon a second viewing it very well could be someone agreeing with him. I do not want to live in a world where Tim Russert DOESN'T FART ON AIR, and so, I refuse to yield.
I don't have tattoos. I have not been entirely consistent in my feelings towards them. But one thing is sure - I'm now no longer on the fence after seeing this one.
I want to see more tattoos like this, because it is inspiring. You understand that the dolphin has a tribal arm band, right? That he's sitting on a ripped barc-a-lounger and smoking a bong? You've explored the rich tapestry of this tattoo, yes?
And we come full circle, friends. I am going to make like Vera Drake and put my breeding desires on low.
Why? Well, firstly, I found out that Great Mama Duggar (she of the "it's a vagina not a clown car fame) is expecting her 18th child! I'm intensely disgusted by this factoid. What can possibly be the state of that woman's uterus? Does she need to buy it an extra seat when she flies?
It was almost two years ago that I believed that America, as a nation, was doomed and would continue on a breathtaking downward slide in almost every arena. What brought me to this conclusion?
Someone named "Sumthin" shitting on a floor on Flavor of Love.
Greenlit cable dating show from established production company seeks mentally disabled male and female contestants of all ages and races.
"Single and Special" will be a tasteful mix of "The Bachelor" and "Life Goes On." "Single and Special" already has the endorsement of the Special Olympics. Pilot available upon request.
Tri-State area contestants preferred. Will have mental health care professionals on set at all times.
Please email photo and short bio, with dating history, to SingleandSpecial@gmail.com.
List of the Day had me hyperventilating this morning with a list of the best moments in photobombing ("people who hilariously ruin your nice little picture"). My favorites?
Bonus points for being an albino.
Right next to the dude with the air brushed Pink Panther tshirt - BOLD.
Which makes me wonder - did they have a replacement all along and just wait until someone noticed and was upset or did they have some finger puppet maker on lockdown to whip up something "a little less racist?"
This weekend was Passover, and my friend's two year old son was sent home with a very special lesson from his Jewish day care center. He was given a plague kit to chew on over the weekend:
The bubble wrap is inspired, and also, if boils were that much fun to pop, I'd be begging for them. I was impressed by the macabre nature of this kit. I'd really thought Catholics had cornered the market on gruesome religious paraphernalia for children, but damn, this is good. I'm not sure it quite takes it to the level that my Martyrdom of the Saints coloring book that I had back in the day, but it's quite the contender.
While I'm down with plague games for kids, wanna know what I'm not down with?
Can I get a....
If you're so inclined, I'd suggest contacting the sellers and asking them to come up with another representation of "Darkness" that isn't reliant on racial hatred. What is the message? "I AM CURSED WITH THE PLAGUE OF BEING BLACK...IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!" Damn.
In the interest of full disclosure, my father works for General Mills. My dad has spent evenings talking about flour at dinner parties. I love my father dearly, but his passion for cereal making is a mystery to me. And while I have seen some questionable things come out of General Mills, I have yet to see anything that tops the load of horseshit Kellogg's just dumped all over the American public.
I give you "Under the Hood," a line of "urban" men's clothing based on Kellogg's cereals. Keep in mind that the tshirts are $40 and the hoodies are over $100.
This might be a stretch, but seeing as there is a food crisis going on, I'm finding this photo particularly offensive.
Such decadence! But really, look more closely. Because I think the Latino one was actually captured in the middle of a mild stroke. Look how dead and glassy his eyes are.
I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.
Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.
Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.
What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.
However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.
Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.
Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.
She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?
I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.
And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.
You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.
True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):
Awesome entry. It was neat to hear about all the behind-the-scenes stuff! I just posted about Wiig on my blog. She's freakin histerical. My friend and I have been trying to get SNL tickets. Our day will come.
This man lives in my nightmares. You might recognize him from one of those horrible eHarmony ads. I have been trying to figure out why he deeply troubles my subconscious and I think I have a few leads:
- He has crazy eyes. Seriously. Watch the ad. The whites of his eyes show over his irises and that's always a bad sign.
- He looks just like a dude who called me a JAP in Ohio when I yelled at him for stealing my parking space.
- Ann Marie (his eHarmony bride) seems like she's suffering Stockholm Syndrome. Talks about how she "calms him down" which immediately terrifies me.
Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone in being totally freaked by this dude. HIS EYES SEE EVERYTHING, THEY NEVER BLINK.
h'omg. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS POST. it needed to be written pronto-stat. forget his eyes. i have trouble looking past his large cro-magnon chin. it practically pushes the picture from 3D straight into the fourth dimension. YES. I MEAN IT ALTERS TIME. THAT'S HOW MUCH IT PROTRUDES.
He's very "Flowers in the Attic." You want to put the book down because you know it's going to a Really Bad Place but you keep reading in hopes of the children getting rescued by a long lost and very kind Uncle and then you get to THAT PART and you just wish you had never. read. the book.
Well, hi! If you're new around here it's likely due to the Sarah Palin vlogs. They are quite hilarious, I agree. Want more? Haven't seen the latest batch? Have you seen the face of Dina Heath-Barr?
Palin Vlog #7 (DINA APPEARS)
Palin Vlog #8 (Burning "Go Ask Alice" is good for the environment)
Palin Vlog #9 (First Church of Sarah Palin, Jesus Christ)
Palin Vlog #10 (In which we call for Keith Olbermann's dismantling)
These have been SOOO much fun to be a part of. Sara Benincasa not only does an amazing Palin, but she busts ass and edits these puppies. As a result of her hard work the vlogs have been featured in Wired, Newsweek, Time, and aired on CNN (we love you Wolf Blitzer). I'm still holding out hope that Rachel Maddow will ask us to be on her show so that she can ask me to run away with her. Sam said he was okay with that.
If you're new around here, feel free to have a poke around the blog. You can also catch me on Twitter and Facebook, and see some of my comedy here and here !
Can't get enough of Sara Benincasa's brilliant satirical take on Sarah Palin? Neither can we. I'm telling you, I haven't had this much fun since I was a child. It's like grown-up happy play time where we get to play pretend.
So, here are #5 and #6 - but keep an eye out on Sara's YouTube channel because another one is in the hopper and Dina (moi) makes an appearance!
Sarah Palin Vlogs, Unearths Complex Family History
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
There is more, so much more Sarah Palin vlogging in store for you all. We had three more, and they are all over the damn internet. Watch these and learn to live again:
Sarah Palin Vlog #2
Sarah Palin Vlog #3 (The number 1 featured comedy on YouTube!)
Sarah Palin Vlog #4
Sara Benincasa not only gave an amazing performance, but edited all of these. The improving between us as Sarah Palin and Dina Heath-Barr was nothing short of magical. Be on the look out for more goodness.
It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!
I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.
Can I speak freely here? I hate you.
Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.
We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands. So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.
Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.
Dear Diana, I cannot even begin to describe the glee this post has brought me. I seriously just read it out loud to my mom while uncontrollably laughing through every sentence. Love 4eva, Sam
This photo is proof that when reporting about obesity, journalists get so excited about churning out another fatty piece that they can barely contain themselves before breathlessly uploading the first picture of a headless fatty they can find.
From that headline, I had assumed the story was about a scientist's taint. It could happen. Maybe he has a particularly unique taint from all the lab chemicals. The actual story was a major let down.
I read today that Jacques Diouf, a UN food agency chief, blasted the West for obesity amidst food shortages around the world. One quote from Diouf on the topic was "no one understands ... how over-consumption by obese people in the world costs 20 billion dollars each year."
I have a lot of problems with the simplicity of this statement. As though there is a secret obese cabal lurking in the shadows, gleefully consuming to spite the rest of the world. But let's not get into nuance. It's not what you come here for, and it's not something I'm particularly good at. Let's get to the nut meat. Amidst this very serious article was the following photo:
What I most love is the contrast of the aggressive, almost vicious look on the fat kid's face as he takes down more cotton candy and the sweet, pensive, delicate look the starving child gives. It's as though the fat kid could easily be eating one of the malnourished child's limbs.
I'm sorry but if you are a fat turd from the the bountiful folds of the American heartland, you are going to consume carbs, growth hormone-injected meat, and palett after palett of beer. What has the East African desert ever offered us besides dust? Distribution is the issue, not consumption.
My money is on up-and-down. Apparently, however, that's not scientific enough, so a team of researchers needed to conduct in depth research on the topic, complete with a slide show. Ladies, The Sun would like us to know that this may just revolutionize bra technology. And do you know who we have to thank? One busty blonde who was willing to put it all on the line and jog while a team of horny researchers took photos.
I admit, when I first heard the "buuuurrrrr" it seemed clear it could be nothing BUT a fart. Tim Russert certainly doesn't look like a man capable of holding in his farts. In fact, I'm willing to wager that he let one right at the moment this book cover photo was taken.
After reading the update and some of the comments, I realized upon a second viewing it very well could be someone agreeing with him. I do not want to live in a world where Tim Russert DOESN'T FART ON AIR, and so, I refuse to yield.
I don't have tattoos. I have not been entirely consistent in my feelings towards them. But one thing is sure - I'm now no longer on the fence after seeing this one.
I want to see more tattoos like this, because it is inspiring. You understand that the dolphin has a tribal arm band, right? That he's sitting on a ripped barc-a-lounger and smoking a bong? You've explored the rich tapestry of this tattoo, yes?
And we come full circle, friends. I am going to make like Vera Drake and put my breeding desires on low.
Why? Well, firstly, I found out that Great Mama Duggar (she of the "it's a vagina not a clown car fame) is expecting her 18th child! I'm intensely disgusted by this factoid. What can possibly be the state of that woman's uterus? Does she need to buy it an extra seat when she flies?
It was almost two years ago that I believed that America, as a nation, was doomed and would continue on a breathtaking downward slide in almost every arena. What brought me to this conclusion?
Someone named "Sumthin" shitting on a floor on Flavor of Love.
Greenlit cable dating show from established production company seeks mentally disabled male and female contestants of all ages and races.
"Single and Special" will be a tasteful mix of "The Bachelor" and "Life Goes On." "Single and Special" already has the endorsement of the Special Olympics. Pilot available upon request.
Tri-State area contestants preferred. Will have mental health care professionals on set at all times.
Please email photo and short bio, with dating history, to SingleandSpecial@gmail.com.
List of the Day had me hyperventilating this morning with a list of the best moments in photobombing ("people who hilariously ruin your nice little picture"). My favorites?
Bonus points for being an albino.
Right next to the dude with the air brushed Pink Panther tshirt - BOLD.
Which makes me wonder - did they have a replacement all along and just wait until someone noticed and was upset or did they have some finger puppet maker on lockdown to whip up something "a little less racist?"
This weekend was Passover, and my friend's two year old son was sent home with a very special lesson from his Jewish day care center. He was given a plague kit to chew on over the weekend:
The bubble wrap is inspired, and also, if boils were that much fun to pop, I'd be begging for them. I was impressed by the macabre nature of this kit. I'd really thought Catholics had cornered the market on gruesome religious paraphernalia for children, but damn, this is good. I'm not sure it quite takes it to the level that my Martyrdom of the Saints coloring book that I had back in the day, but it's quite the contender.
While I'm down with plague games for kids, wanna know what I'm not down with?
Can I get a....
If you're so inclined, I'd suggest contacting the sellers and asking them to come up with another representation of "Darkness" that isn't reliant on racial hatred. What is the message? "I AM CURSED WITH THE PLAGUE OF BEING BLACK...IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!" Damn.
In the interest of full disclosure, my father works for General Mills. My dad has spent evenings talking about flour at dinner parties. I love my father dearly, but his passion for cereal making is a mystery to me. And while I have seen some questionable things come out of General Mills, I have yet to see anything that tops the load of horseshit Kellogg's just dumped all over the American public.
I give you "Under the Hood," a line of "urban" men's clothing based on Kellogg's cereals. Keep in mind that the tshirts are $40 and the hoodies are over $100.
This might be a stretch, but seeing as there is a food crisis going on, I'm finding this photo particularly offensive.
Such decadence! But really, look more closely. Because I think the Latino one was actually captured in the middle of a mild stroke. Look how dead and glassy his eyes are.
It's because commercials aren't working anymore. But is it too much to ask for a pic of Sonny taking a nice, long pee on Lucky? Or Toucan Sam stabbing someone with his beak?
Those three are clearly stoned out of their gourds on Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes. Shit's all over the table.. dude's got a giant bowl.. the other one's passing him more.. "here, try this.. it's good shit." All that's missing is a scale and some baggies.
if you read 'the omnivore's dilemma' this'll actually make sense. since a person can only eat 1500 pounds of cereal a year, gen mills needs to diversify its market share. but honestly, they should just make diapers.
