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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I'm trying to find a sofa that doesn't cost more than three hundred bucks and isn't from IKEA. This is a very difficult feat in New York City. Years of trolling through garage sales and flea markets in small towns has spoiled me. People are trying to sell a sofa they spent the last four years rubbing their asses all over for $500 because it was "purchased for $1600 three years ago."

Time for visuals.

This guy thinks that this mess of a futon is "beautiful" and "contemporary."

He also thinks that a futon upholstered with old Cosby sweaters is worth $250 dollars.

There is nothing really wrong with this couch but
what I want to know is, how do you arrive at $149 dollars as the going price? Why so arbitrary?

For a "carefree" and "casual" couch look no further than this wicker beauty. For $195 you can have it delivered directly to your lanai, where Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy await you with a slice of cheesecake and a warm brew of sassy wisdom.

Maybe you're more traditional? Perhaps this "shabby chic fainting couch" is just for you. Here are two words I never want to see together in print again: glazed chintz. Follow that up with "could use some light cleaning" and I'm thinking the worst.

When you take it all in for yourself and suffer a mild stroke, you'll be happy it's perfect for fainting on. Again, what's with the $199 price tag?

This sofa seems like it's probably perfectly nice (even though I have serious doubts it originally sold for $4,000). But why even bother posting this crap photo? Talk about phoning it in, dudes.

Finally, have some people not heard of donating shit to charities or maybe even throwing shit on the curb, because why would anyone get access to a car, exert physical energy, pay you cash, and place this abortion in their home?

Here's the big sell: "It is odor-free." Lady, I can smell the stank over the internet.

"This couch has been in my family for years and has gone through two full generations." Meaning, this couch has multiple generations of bare ass all over it! Can you imagine the many diapers changed on this? The years of cigarette smoke? The decades of food crumbs? The live homebirths?!?!

"I expect anyone who owns from this point on to get as much mileage as I have gotten out of it." Uh...

"Pillows in pictures are not included. Blue covering is a throw/blanket - you can decorate it to any color you want with your own throw, or I can throw in mine for a negotiated price." Not only can you get this couch you've never seen uncovered, but you can negotiate to get that horse blanket she's thrown over it to cover all the years of fluids and gunk!

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