<body> YOU: On My Blog <body>
Friday, March 28, 2008

Y'all old people are making a comeback. They are appropriating our media for their own sinister purposes and it is awesome. As much as I dislike the idea of elderly sex, I am willing to deal with the topic so long as Bea Arthur is involved. She makes it okay.

I think she makes a much hotter Carrie, and I think it's common knowledge at this point that Abe Vigoda is the hotness. Bonus points for having Mona and Mrs. Garrett kicking it.

There are no old legends in these vids, but they are still awesome. Some genius had this brilliant idea:

"Over The Hills" is a spoof of the MTV hit reality show "The Hills," starring Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. For "Over The Hills," Heavy.com replaced the fresh-faced characters with people three times their age, and had them act out scenes using the exact same dialogue. No old people were harmed during the making of "Over The Hills." Heavy can't guarantee the same for the Lauren, Heidi and Spencer.

You must watch them all. You knew The Hills was dumb, but it takes a couple of hot septugenarians to really show you just how bottom of the barrel this shit is.

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I am feeling very night before Christmas because, bitchez, I am getting the hell out of New York City and going back to New Zealand for the first time in five years!

For all of you people not in the know, NZ is a magical place. It is full of dolphins, blind, flightless birds, cala lillies, and hobbitses. Pound for pound, NZ can take on the biggest countries - especially in the category of odd news. How about some wombat rape? Or perhaps an SUV crashing into a home and knocking a man right off the shitter? NEW ZEALAND HAS IT ALL!

It also has the haka, which makes up for the fact that the New Zealand basketball team's name is, no joke, the Tall Blacks. And, no, they're not.

The haka is a traditional Maori dance. The New Zealand rugby team performs a version of the haka before games to scare the shit out of the opposing team and also strike fear and panic into the heart of whiteys all across the globe.

I present you with two fine vids of the haka:

Now, similar, but with THROAT SLITTING ACTION!

Want to know more? Google that shit. This ain't Wikipedia.

Anyhoodle pussy doodles, I am going to this magical land on Saturday and will return to this piss stained city once more on April 14th. BUT FOR ALL THE KIWIS WHO ARE READING THIS - I'm performing in Aotearoa!

Dates are still up in the air, but I will most definitely be around at Auckland's The Classic and The Wellington Comedy Club while I'm there - I'll post dates ASAP.

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Thursday, March 27, 2008



They will have their revenge, people! Pretty soon they'll be making coats out of us!!

Source: Daily Mail

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Monday, March 24, 2008

In a perfect world, I would have a pet donkey. I don't know why I need one, but I do. Martha Stewart has miniature donkeys and she is the hotness:

In my mental happy place, Djimon Hounsou's Tuba reassures me to fight another day, I have a donkey, a giraffe, several dogs, a barn with barn cats who roam free, and a friendly duck. Which is why this story about a donkey being celebrated at a Russian ballet performance just about killed me dead.

At her farewell party, Monika danced a waltz with one of the Mariinsky's ballerinas and was presented with retirement gifts of carrot cake, a pinafore and a kerchief...."She loves to perform and she loves applause," said Tatyana Solomatina, a spokeswoman for St Petersburg zoo, where Monika lives between performances. "She knew the exact time to appear in the ballet, even without someone accompanying her."

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If'n y'all in NYC, you need to come down to Comix tonight at 9 pm because I will be tipsy and performing stand-up comedy with a boatload of other comics. I have this joke I'm so excited to test run - so come and see the comedy sausage being made right before your eyes! NO COVER, dudes, just a discounted two item minimum. For reals. Deets:

The Late Show at Comix Motel, will be this
Monday, March 24th at Comix, (353 W. 14th just east of 9th Ave.) at9PM.

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

I've rethought my position on religion. I am now a devout follower of whatever this temple wants to sell me. Seriously, I would take up snake handling if they asked me.

At a Zen Buddhist temple in southern Japan, even the dog prays. Mimicking his master, priest Joei Yoshikuni, a 1 1/2-year-old black-and-white Chihuahua named Conan joins in the daily prayers at Naha's Shuri Kannondo temple, sitting up on his hind legs and putting his front paws together before the altar.

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Monday, March 17, 2008

For those still reeling from Spastic Colon Sunday, I have a few things for you that are essentially Prozac for the eyes. They will heal you in places you didn't know where even broken. Such is their power.

In New Zealand, a friendly little dolphin saved a sperm whale and her calf from a miserable beaching death.

Keep your dolphin rape tales away from me, okay, because this shit has just about earned dolphins all the PR they'll ever need in my books.

Conservation officer Malcolm Smith told the BBC that he and a group of other people had tried in vain for an hour and a half to get the whales to sea.

The pygmy sperm whales had repeatedly beached, and both they and the humans were tired and set to give up, he said.

But then the dolphin appeared, communicated with the whales, and led them to safety.

The bottlenose dolphin, called Moko by local residents, is well known for playing with swimmers off Mahia beach on the east coast of the North Island.

Mr Smith said that just when his team was flagging, the dolphin showed up and made straight for them.

"I don't speak whale and I don't speak dolphin," Mr Smith told the BBC, "but there was obviously something that went on because the two whales changed their attitude from being quite distressed to following the dolphin quite willingly and directly along the beach and straight out to sea."

"I shouldn't do this I know, we are meant to remain scientific," Mr Smith said, "but I actually went into the water with the dolphin and gave it a pat afterwards because she really did save the day."

How good do you feel about life right about now? Just wait, because List of the Day provides some potent visuals to keep that high going. How about a walrus dancing to MJ's
Smooth Criminal?

Are you still down? List of the Day provides another video to balm your emotional wounds. Put things into perspective - at least you are not this woman.

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Saturday, March 15, 2008

Two dudes from Jersey sitting on their asses and watching Pokemon should not be this entertaining, and yet...

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Friday, March 14, 2008

I don't know what my friend was doing the other day that would warrant her coming across this delightful moment in Flickr history, but I'd like to thank her, even if it might mean she's a pervert.

Why you'd choose to keep that particular toe in the shot is beyond me, especially when you're trying to be sexy. But it made me think, we all know about foot fetishists - but there are probably people who get off on busted ass toes and crumpled up feet, and sure enough.

imperfect_toes is a stand up guy. He's not content to make this all about your average woman, walking around with busted ass feet, oblivious to the sweating, heavy-breathing man frantically using his camera phone to capture an intimate moment on the deck or a brief afternoon outing to Kohl's. And he's not above pointing out the obvious

He digs deep to find famous bunions.
I was ready to crown imperfect_toes king freak, but I think Bunionphille really puts in a hard days' work
. Also, his avatar kind of rules.

But what really moves me, is bunionphille's semi-literate prose. It is filled with such raw, haunting want.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Donnie finds love, but still manages to depress and school us at the same time.

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I went through a brief phase some time last year where I sought out videos of zit popping and cyst draining. Why I'm admitting to this, I'm not sure. But let's just say I was in a dark place.

A friend of mine once said that every woman is an aspiring dermatologist, and I think there is some truth to this. I know I can spend endless afternoons running a magnifying glass over Sam's back hoping to Christ I find a blackhead so I can see its mucus plug slowly pour out into a pus-y coil. If that didn't disgust you fully, you're going to want to watch this video.

This is kind of the Cirque de Soleil of zit popping. At the following minutes, you will find the moments that really tested my resolve:


I had to stop watching after that. It was worse than 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Someone thought it would be hilarious to make a poodle workout video for humans. Only it's not hilarious, it's pretty boring and mildly disgusting, but what is notable is this little exchange in the comments.


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Friday, March 7, 2008

I feel bad about what I've done to this blog, what with all the dick-based posts, so I want to turn over a new leaf and leave you all with something joyful and adorable today.

This article
is a week old, but ever since I saw it, the images keep flashing back to me when I begin to stroke out in rage and consider committing assault. Maybe they'll do the same for you.

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Perhaps I need to make this a dickblog, because, really, dick-related things are really having a moment. A concerned citizen made me aware of this item:

Weener Kleener. Say it out loud: Weener Kleener. Has it come to this? I am most fixated by the choice of cr8tv spelling. Why the double E's? Why the K? Are people purchasing dick soaps really picky about consistency to the point that Weiner Cleaner would offend their delicate aesthetics and love of symmetry?

But the real nutmeat can be found in the Amazon customer reviews:

Oh, Annette, I think you meant to say "Fun toy for mostly impotent man-child." Also, Ms. Cruz, you have just thoroughly depressed me with the details from your holiday gathering. What a bunch of loads you surround yourself with. I bet they all thought it was a real gas!


Thank God, M.D. Sexton from Columbia, Maryland let us all know that a masturbatory cock ring might be a bad idea to give to a kid. Who would have known?

Family Christmas party? FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTY! Amy, you gave this to a member of your family, in front of other members of your family, during a family gathering? What kind of whorehouse brothel did you grow up in where a masturbatory cock ring is considered "a big hit"?

And, really, Ms
. Shay, this is not the gift for the man who has everything. This is the gift for the man who has absolutely nothing.

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I thought the dickhat business blew me away, but damn, I have to go and find this article.

What exactly is happening to us as a species? But hold up, because it gets even better:

A stunned security guard stumbled onto the man in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose".

Look, mortals, upon the face of seduction!

You naughty little minx, you! Hey, if you bang a vacuum cleaner named Henry, does that make you GAY? Only if you take it!

Moving on:

When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". He has since been fired.

Oh, Poland, have you no lint rollers or vaginas?

Can I just follow up with a "I wonder what Dateline: Poland must be like!" HEYOHHHHHHH!

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Tonight I got to see a close friend of mine, Erin Jackson, on stage for Comedy Central's "Live At Gotham" and it was amazing to see her up there. I'll skip the sappy details of me getting misty eyed, but I will just say that not only was she hilarious, but she looked BEAUTIFUL!

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling alternately overwhelmed and sluggish lately, but The Latvian Symphony Orchestra has decided to kick the world's collective ass and inspire greatness:

Latvia, I love you!

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The Assimilated Negro
Hysterical Festival
Jen Kirkman
lolcat bible project
O Hell Nawl
Maria Bamford
Men Who Look Like
Old Lesbians

Not Hating, Just Saying
Stuff White People Like
Unfit Toys


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