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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

How wrong is this gum? It used to be my favorite gum ever. When I'd go on errands with my dad, the hardware store he'd go to had it in stock and I'd beg and lose my damn mind to get him to buy me bologna gum. In looking back I thought it was because the premise was so disgusting, that he couldn't believe his daughter would want to eat that shit, but if this packaging is historically correct, he was clearly concerned about other messages.

Y'all, I am getting pretty disgusted with all the bullshit surrounding the campaign. The Hillary bashing is off the charts. The woman teared up. Fucking shut up already. Also, what in the fuck year is this already? IRONING?! Way to kick a wymyn when she's down. Jezebel reports on Gloria Steinem's reaction.

It seems like Obama is going to take New Hampshire tonight, I like to think that this picture captures the moment where Obama tells Hillary as much.

Things keep pissing me off on the feminist tip. I'm getting particularly disgusted by the fact that there is a "Men Are the New Women" tshirt in existence. I would like my own version.

I even put it in Comic Sans to really reflect the suck. Comic Sans is the morning dj of fonts. Even worse? Dudes lamenting their old girlfriends' past abortions. Guess what, dudes, DON'T CARE. Call us when you can carry a fetus to term.

As I pull the wedge out of my ass I realize that there's a writer in the U.K. who needs to be my new BFF because I am LOVING her defense of granny panties.

On how many occasions in the past year have you needed to wear sexy pants? In other words, to break this right down, how many times this year have you suddenly, unexpectedly, had sex in a brightly lit room, with a hard-to-please erotic connoisseur? Exactly. On those kind of odds, you might just as well be keeping a backgammon board down there, to entertain a group of elderly ladies in the event of emergencies. It’s more likely to happen.

You know, when it comes to sex, you have to remember men are blessedly, almost serenely, laisser-faire creatures. Girls – THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE HAVING SEX WITH BICYCLES. Whether you wear sexy pants is neither here nor there to them. They’re really not that fussy. Remind yourself of this every day. For instant calmness, it’s better than meditation. Imagine if men indulged in similarly demented levels of needless overpreparation. If they did, they’d all have two tickets for a mini-break to Prague in their boxers, lest they come across a lady doing spot-checks on their levels of “total dreaminess”. As you may have noticed, men just aren’t doing that in their pants. Indeed, in this inclement weather, they’re barely keeping their genitals in there.

Preach it! I don't know how many times I've heard people defend thongs. Look, we are just not going to agree, but at least don't insult me. Just admit you do it because you think it's sexy. Do not tell me it's because your ass defies the laws of physics - you have a crack that is larger than the ribbon of cotton, therefore the ribbon of cotton will be inside your ass crack. That shit does not feel (or look, for that matter) all that good. While it may differ in size and shape, my ass is not wildly different than yours - it's not a fucking trapezoid. It's an ass. With a crack. And a piece of fabric in my ass crack does not = good times. If you like them, bless you, but do not tell me you do it for comfort because I seriously might have a rage stroke.

This rage attack inspiration wasn't brought on by panties, just a huge pile of panty waste by the name of Dr. Phil. Best Week Ever does a good job of guessing how it might have gone down. I might have to send this to my mother to finally shatter her faith in this man.

DR. PHIL: Let’s talk about Britney. I mean, what is her deal, yo? [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AT COMFORTABLE, GOOD-NATURED UNPROFESSIONALISM] I mean, what the hell, dammit?

And, finally, because I will not let go of the haunting vision of Huckabee volplaning around the country, eschewing the traditional campaign bus, to descend upon his flock of homeschooled masses alight with promise, their ankle length horsehair fluttering in his wake, it just too funny to me...but it looks like Huckabee Sugarglider Jesus will not be allowed into St. Paul.

I know, it was a long build up for not much pay off. Tomorrow is a new day.

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