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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

There are a lot of things I just do not understand - string theory, calculus, scrapbooking...but this time of year has me scratching my head with the onslaught of holiday cards emblazoned with photos of the senders all over it. Now, I'll give you a pass if you're an exceptionally good looking family (see right photos) or if you're related to me or a close friend.

But I cannot conceive of sending people you barely know photos of you and yours that will pretty much go directly into the trash. Furthermore, I cannot conceive of the endurance and fortitude it would require to purchase matching outfits, put those things on, and run out to a portrait studio of your liking on a regular basis. That sort of dedication to normalcy is beyond me.

Not to say this can't be done well, but it so rarely is. Not too many people are The Kennedies. Or the Obamas for that matter.

It wouldn't be so bad if half the cards and family portraits you see weren't so clearly staged while trying to appear totally SPONTANEOUS! Sorry, but there's no way your family got up, dressed identically, made the choice to go outside barefoot, and then just so happened upon a weeping willow by a scenic pond when a kind stranger came by and captured the moment on film.

You almost had us all fooled if it weren't for the photographers graphic, I would have assumed your white and khaki Aryan clan had spent every Sunday standing stiffly in front of the pond.

If you're going to go through all the trouble of sending people your holiday greetings whilst whoring out your family's faces, could you at least feign happiness? I mean, who wants to spend Christmas at this house?

Even the dog looks like an emotional cripple.

Also? Don't be terrifying to look at, kplzthnx.

Dad is rockin' the Manson eyes.

This card is so sinister. I feel there are some stories behind this card. Even the glowing snowman in the front yard is tainted with a satanic glow.

And, please, when will the government step in and stem the flow of earnest Photoshop abuses?

HOLD ME. "God Jul!" must be Swedish for "GOD SAVE US ALL!"

I take no joy in this card.

It seems like the whole point of these cards is to show how your family has aged over the past year, which makes sense when you have kids. What I find harder to grasp is why two adults would send out cards. Again, it's all in the execution. I find this version kind of adorable.

They look fun and cute and like they're just being silly. I want to hang with them. Do you know who I don't want to hang with?

Look, I love my pets too, but I'll be damned if I do this to them. No one wins in this situation. You just end up looking like people who call their pets their "furbabies" to anyone within earshot. That is a phrase you should use at home, in private, and with some amount of shame. Parading your pet family and spamming people's mailboxes with this will put you firmly in the "sad, empty, hopeless childless" camp and not in the "wow, they have a really full, cool life without children" one.

Just wondering, but is anyone supposed to give a shit about your "first Christmas" together? Because I think I really failed to inform my family and friends that was our FIRST CHRISTMAS and that this was a momentous occasion for all since now I was freed from the shackles of Christmas ALONE. Send me a card that says "Our Last Christmas" and I will love you forever.

If taking portraits as a couple and slapping them on a holiday card is questionable, then let's talk about being a single man and doing it.

Let us pray to Jah that this is a joke, and he's doing a David Brent impression. Are you 'avin' a laugh?!

Now, I wrestled with this one, because I want to talk about the execution and choices people make rather than just mock them for things beyond their control. I will just say that I hope these kids express an interest in interracial relationships because I think things may have gone too far.

Entirely comprised of recessive genes.
Speaking of race...

If that didn't make you cringe, wait for this Dateline worthy special.

You're not off the hook yet. Here's some more goodness.

Is the child supposed to be a tiny Herrod? I'm not sure I understand what's happening here. All I know is that those sandals will haunt my dreams.

After all these painful and often depressing stabs at normalcy, I'm finding this family portrait to be my personal favorite.

That's my kind of family.

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