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Thursday, January 3, 2008

I feel like we finally know each other. Like we've finally built up a rapport, and now I can trust you with something special and personal.

I had meant to share this earlier, like during the break, but Sam's insane case of manflu
ushered in new levels of apathy, laziness, and procrastination inside me.

Infants, I want to share with you my love for the Britain's pride, Most Haunted, and especially, Derek Acorah.

Behold his terrible beauty.

Now I'm sure you're acquainted with the show. This is not some hot new thing I'm introducing you to. You've probably seen spoofs of it. But have you really lived it? Have you spent serious time with it? Because it really needs you. This is some sort of grand performance art piece, one that, not unlike 2Girls1Cup, leaves the viewer with more questions than it does answers.

Let's talk about the two real stars. Derek, sadly, is no longer with Most Haunted. He would tell you it's because his contract was up, the show would tell you it's because he's a faker. They have high standards, apparently. But all this is besides the point. We are losing sight of what's important. And that is that
Derek's spirit guide is an Ethiopian named Sam from approximately 1,500 years ago.

To quote the man himself "when I was 17 I had my first visit from Sam. Sam is my spirit guide who literally introduced himself! It was probably the most startling, yet loving, experience I've ever had." What he's basically admitting is that he's been banged out by his spirit guide going on 35 years. How can you not love this man?

Also, he's clearly gay and will not let on because he was a football player back in the day, but that hasn't stopped him from having a wife. Awesome.

As much as a Derek fan as I am, the show would be nothing without its bubbly host, Yvette Fielding. Yvette spends most of the show displaying her atrocious misuse of mascara, which is only enhanced by night vision cameras.

Her eyes appear to be falling off of her face. Each show leaves the viewer wondering, which Yvette will we see today? What sassy hairstyle, and by extension, persona, will she don this season? You NEVER KNOW. What you do know is that for almost a decade, she has looked to be at least 45 even though her Wikipedia states she's hovering around 40.

Yes, those are all the same woman. She is a chameleon. Derek, however, is timeless - ever fixed - he is my morning star.

To really know him, and to see the show's charms, you must watch the two clips below. They will leave you breathless and wide-eyed with wonder.

The first one, I would like to title "CONFRONTATION" since that's pretty much the only word used in these brief two minutes. Watch as Derek flails and jerks, and finally slams a lamp across the room to Yvette's horror.

The second one, assuming you've recovered, is a little ditty that could only be called "MARY LOVES DICK", because, who doesn't?

If you are actually dumb enough to need proof that this show was fake, that should have done it for you. Also, Yvette helplessly shaking with laughter is a common theme. She likes to disguise it as fear.

Now, all this tom foolery came to a head a couple months back when they decided to do a live marathon of
Most Haunted in the U.S. Sadly, Derek was gone, so instead of relying on him to throw a fit and bust up some antiques, they asked viewers to send in PSYCHIC ART.

That is to say, they told viewers they should draw and fax in drawings of what they felt they were sensing as they watched the show. The result? The dawning of something new, and wonderful.

This one is a tad reminiscent of the Leprechaun story that came out of Alabama.

But perhaps that's just me stereotyping the Irish again.

When the show mentioned there was an American Indian who had worked at the house in the episode, the fax lines were flooded with Iron Eye Cody-worthy portrayals of sad, haunted looking natives.

As is witnessed in this emotional piece of psychic art.


They call me Dawn of the Dead in my native tongue.

Sadly, not all of the drawings that aired in that episode made it to the fine Psychic Art Gallery
on the Travel Channel's website. We can only hope that this is a running theme. Someone needs to start a DRAFT DEREK movement as well.

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