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Monday, January 7, 2008

Did you guys ever catch the Guys and Dolls documentary? If you're not sure, then you haven't seen it. Because there is no way anyone can forget the stories of dudes who pay $10k for a doll that they can have relations with. It was deeply disturbing. There was no way around it. If one of the guys treated the dolls well, you were squicked out. If they stashed them under the beds and had them strewn about in their garage, you were beyond disturbed. When it comes to Real Dolls, no one comes out a winner.

It was so upsetting, and yet, they managed to create something even more terrifying: My Fake Baby. Prepare to want to light yourself on fire upon seeing grown women taking out dolls in enormous frilly prams, purchase designer clothes for the dolls, and generally scare the shit out of the entire world. And not just with their hair.

This lady is so nuts. Let me count the ways. First off, she's obsessed with biracial baby dolls, which is just creepy on a level I cannot fully articulate. Secondly, she spends serious cash on these dolls. Thirdly, she is supposedly (and one cannot fully believe this when one looks at her hair) obsessed with perfection. She actually flies to D.C. from the U.K. to pick up her newest baby, and then loses her shit when she finds an imperfection in the doll and has to go home without her baby after she had "spent two days bonding with the child." Only, it is a fucking DOLL.

I kept waiting for the documentary to cover women who'd lost a child, because you can excuse that, but they didn't. They kind of mailed it in and just followed some unbalanced women around. This was me for the entirety of the documentary.

This is some sort of cottage craft industry where you can overhaul regular dolls and make them super realistic with some minor adjustments and then sell them for $300-$600 on Ebay. I think I want to start my own line.

With the Real Dolls, at least the guy was bustin' a nut. I'm a little more hard pressed to see the return on this baby doll investment.

In the world of jacked up crafts, it seems some people are going hog wild on Etsy. There is some sort of cultural phenomenon with dick crafting. No joke.

Anyone in the mood for a soft pewter cock? Cause you too can have one to wear as a talisman.

Tantric, provocative and stimulating. Mini cock pendant glazed in a silky soft pewter. Feels great to the touch. You WILL want to fondle this constantly!
If that one didn't do enough for you, then let me show you this image. You know what I would love? A huge red rocket to wear on my neck all day. Shiny, too!

I'm almost sad the holiday season is over, because Etsy penis products really are such an ideal gift for anyone in your family. Got a foodie? Why not get him or her a surprise penis apron! Perfect for family reunions or quiet nights in with your loved one. Let's get a look at some of this hand-made craftsmanship.

Ladies, I don't know about you, but my husband is constantly forgetting his keys. I bet that wouldn't happen anymore with this on his key chain.

In today's crazy world, it's so easy to get caught up in the rat race and not take time out just for YOU. That's why you need a dick pillow. Wrap that shaft around your neck and let your head feel the kind of support only crocheted cock can provide. If that's not your thing, you can also purchase a dick throw pillow.

Like voodoo and sewing but detest men? Then this dick head prick cushion will help you as you sew your next vulva puppet for your Wimmin Loving Wimmin craft exchange. In a similar vein (no pun intended), put those penis envy myths to rest with a purse made out of a denim crotch with a....wait for it....SURPRISE DICK.

Maybe your man needs special dick soap? Maybe you been smellin' his dick and it ain't fresh. There are soaps for this. Let's just pray these weren't made to scale.

These bitches need to get this shit out of their system and go to a Japanese Sex Museum.

Also, while we're on the topic of wrongness, a woman had a cake made in her actual-sized likeness of her wedding. Best Week Ever's Michelle Collins nails this, but in short, this man is in for a lifetime of hurt. I wish that camera had turned around because it would have seen a sea of this.

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