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Friday, January 4, 2008

Last night I displayed my love for my husband by agreeing to watch Chris Matthews for several hours, covering the Iowa Caucus. His thin, rubbery, chicken lips frighten me. I cannot look away as they glisten under the lights. I lose track of what's being said because I am fixated by his thin lip ribbons and the amount of spittle and spray they generate. But, yesterday, I took one for the team and said nary a word about the saliva fireworks pouring from his slit of a mouth.

I have used the result of 2004 as an excuse to engage in true political apathy. Things are heating up, however, and I can't lie and say I didn't feel a twinge of hope in my fossilized political heart last night.

It's at this point that I need to get right to the point and tell you, under no uncertain terms, that I believe Huckabee to be the tool of Satan. Now, I don't actually believe in God, but I believe in Satan, and Huckabee is his meat puppet.

Huckabee appeared on Buffalo Beast's Most Loathsome People in America and they mean business. No "aw, shucks" bullshit routine is going to sway them.

Charges: What's worse, a calculating politician pretending to be a devout Christian, or a genuine heartland preacher who didn't come from no monkey? Huckabee is both -- a Southern Baptist who rejects Darwin, wants to give everyone a gun and thinks people with AIDS should be quarantined, and a seedy, corrupt politician who's never seen a payoff so low he won't stoop to pick it up. Democrats see Huckabee as easily defeated in a general election, but they shouldn't be so sure -- Smooth talking preachers tend to do well in this country. Huckabee is well-spoken, kind-faced, and the opposite of wordly -- he's Obama for hicks.

Exhibit A: "I got into politics because I knew government didn't have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives... I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ."

Sentence: Just as he's about to win the GOP nomination, a freak gust of wind catches Huckabee's excess skin and carries him out over the Atlantic, where he drifts for hours before God appears to him, tells him He's a Unitarian, and sends him to hell.

Genius. However, I really feel that the artist responsible for the piece could have done more with that text than have this goober's face poking out of a corn field. This is what I would have liked to see: Huckabee soaring through the air, his pliant, supple folds of excess flesh volplaning him across the heartland where swarms of calico-clad homeschooled virgins breathlessly await their shepherd, hands in the air, giving praise to the Great Huckabee Sugar Glider in the Sky.

If anyone wanted to actually photoshop something more artful, I'd be happy to post it. I have no ability to even somewhat gracefully attach a Huckabee head to a sugar glider's body. Make do. Let my words form the picture.

I particularly enjoyed how Huckabee had Chuck Norris and his hot wife front and center during his victory speech. Mama Huckabee has been shunted off to the side. But, hey, I guess she should just be grateful he let one member of his family on stage.

Talk about a fourth wheel

Not that I can blame him. If my son was a pathological animal murderer who couldn't be parted from his gun (even at an airport), I 'd keep him the fuck off the stage too.

The other night I was eating in a Cuban restaurant when the piercing voice of a total ear rapist ruined my meal. I turned and saw that the voice was coming from a total skillet-face - the kind who cannot be shamed non-verbally into STFU. Triple bonus points because this girl was on what appeared to be a first date. Here are some pearls of political and racial wisdom that came from her very Caucasian mouth:

"Obama is just as much white as he is black. If he wins, it's not like a big deal for black people or anything."

"He was raised by white people, so he's pretty much just white."

"I'm just saying black people shouldn't be all about him because he's not really black."

I think Obama would be really hyped to hear that a white Columbia grad student on the Upper West Side has officially weighed in on his racial status as "not really black."

But I will depart from my usual negativity and say that this morning I am feeling long dormant pangs of hope.

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