Looks like I'm going to have to hang up my "I never win anything" whine. Just today I found out I won tickets to see Rhys Darby at 92Y-Tribeca tomorrow night! Not sure if I am going to make it since I'm booked to do a show of my own at the same time, but at least I can ensure that my New Zealand husband does not get shafted from being amongst his brethren.
And how did I get so lucky? Oh, just a little site called The Apiary! Check in on them or add them to your blog feed to get in on more of these little giveaways.
I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.
Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.
Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.
What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.
However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.
Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.
Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.
She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?
I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.
And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.
You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.
True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):
Trust me, I have a blog post forthcoming that has nothing to do with self-promotion. Just let me get this one out of the way, because it will be good times and I would like to share the love.
I am going to be on one of the shows called "The Ambiguously Brown Comedy Hour" with a gaggle of women, all of whom are awesome. There is about a metric ton of awesome involved in this show. We're talking top quality crab.
I even made a shitty flier in celebration of it all:
Did you see much CUTENESS is involved? Ay, God.
So here are the deets. If you've been meaning to come see me, make it this show!
COMIX - 353 W 14th Street (at 9th Ave) Thursday, October 16th at 7:30 pm Ever wondered what would happen if a hilarious comedy show just happened to be ethnically diverse? Wonder no more.
Laugh as comics Jiwon Lee (Comedy Central), Diana Saez (CNN, Sí TV, Sirius Radio), Aparna Nancherla (NBC's Stand Up for Diversity, NBC's "Last Comic Standing"), Erin Jackson ("The Ellen DeGeneres Show," NBC's "Last Comic Standing") and Retta ("Comedy Central Presents," "Premium Blend," "Slackers") take the stage and shatter stereotypes. Hosted by Desiree Burch (Joe's Pub, VH1's "Best Night Ever").
I thought my mind had been blown when we got cartooned. Then Sara found out that someone had entered us into LiveJournal popculture notoriety. Witness this dedication! My personal favorite.
Theeeen, as if that wasn't totally dudical, Siddhartha Mitter from WNYC interviewed me, Sara, Baratunde Thurston, and Julie Klausner. You can catch it online!
But then shit got REALLY crunk because The New Yorker invited us to work their festival this weekend which meant we got into a super swank opening party resulting in amazingness.
Yes, Sara has blogged about it because she is not full of molasses like sorry ole me, but the following ensued (after a lot of champagne):
1. I told author Jeffrey Eugenides (author of Virgin Suicides and Middlesex): “I really loved Middlesex. I have read it repeatedly, and I really relate to it, although I’m not a hermaphrodite.”
2. I thrust a drunken fist in the air at the sight of Alan Cumming's Barack the Vote tshirt and he gave me a peace sign. LOVE.
3. I witnessed a very pretty, very tiny Regina Specktor talking to a trio of hipster douchebags.
4. Sam and I rode the elevator up with Oliver Stone and his posse.
5. Salman Rushdie was walking around and I had to restrain myself (I was only 2 champagnes in so this was still possible) from whispering to him "Padma's a bitch" and then running out of the room.
6. On the walk up Park Avenue towards our homeland, Istarted playing with garbage, including a discarded bra and a shoe, and threw them in the air because I was feeling like Mary Fucking Tyler Moore:
7. Ended up sitting on a sofa across from WESCRAVEN and his amazing, beautiful, warm, friendly wife Iya Labunka (producer on Heathers) and having a butt ass long conversation full of wonder. Highlights included:
- Telling Wes Craven: "My brothers got years of mileage terrifying me with fanfic enchanced Freddy Krueger stories, 'SO THANKS A LOT, WES!'"
- Calling him WESCRAVEN at every possible opportunity.
- Talking about zero gravity sex (Buzz, Neil, we all agreed you probably cranked one off in space).
- Hearing the awesome tale of how Iya and Wes met.
That was pretty much the best party I ever went to. It was also very pretty in that hotel with light bulbs on the ceiling.
And the next day we got to perform at the New Yorker Festival's Humor Panel for 350 people. We were the fluffers for the panel. Witness the happiness.
WITNESS US MEETING Samantha Bee, who is soooo funny and nice in person (and even prettier).
If you thought the story was going to stop here, you were wrong. Because then, by some miracle, we got to meet Margaret Cho that same night. I have the pictures to prove it.
I'm not quite sure how a weekend like that can be topped!
Wolf Blitzer aired the clip wherein we discuss Sarah Palin shooting wolves from a helicopter in Palin Vlog #7 and which then reminds us of Mr. Wolf Blitzer.
YIPPEE!!!!!
Now if only Mr. Keith Olbermann would get the stones to play the clip we lovingly aimed right at him!
Oh, and catch Vlog #11 wherein Sarah discusses her first encounters with Black People.
It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!
I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.
Can I speak freely here? I hate you.
Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.
We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands. So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.
Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.
I'm not an English major or someone who gets their panties in a knot over spelling/grammar mistakes (mostly because I make so many myself) but I do think in this case, some punctuation would be appropriate. Unless, of course, someone really is casting call girls or call boys ages 10 to 12. Doesn't sound like any educational entertainment I know of.
OMFG, why is Gossip Girl such a central force in my life right now? First, the Gossip Girl Summit, then the accompanying Gossip Girl tumblr blog Sara Benincasa and I write together, and now Heather Fink and Sara B are killing me with this Gossip Girl parody (NSFW).
Woah, dudes, it's been a whirlwind weekend. First off, I was a part of an awesome show on Friday night at the PIT. It was hosted and produced by the tireless Sara Benincasa and thanks to her and Hillary Buckholtz, the event was PACKED. The theatre had to turn away 25 people. What was so great about this show? Oh, it was just about Gossip Girl, that's all!
NY Press blogged about it and you can see the little video intro Sara whipped up (with me and Chris Rovzar from NY Mag).
This pretty much must be done again. In the meantime you can catch up on some Gossip Girl Tumblr action from me and Sara.
Also, I spent Saturday through today in D.C. where I got to perform with my favorite lady-friend-comics Erin Jackson, Aparna Nancherla, and Andrea Fuller from last summer's Broad Minded Comedy. Andrea's good friend Joy Gohring joined us, and the both shows were an absolute blast. Nothing beats packed shows with comics you love! Much thanks to the Atlas Theater/Indigo!
A week since I landed in NYC, and still, I cannot get my body clock right. This has lead to a lot of 4 a.m. wakings and 6 hour afternoon "naps." Friday evening Sam came home from work and begged for me to let him "just rest my eyes for a little bit." That was at 8 p.m. We ended up waking up at 12:30 a.m. Naturally, what does one do when they wake up a half hour past midnight? The smart answer is go back to sleep. Instead we went to our favorite local diner.
Now, by day this diner is friendly and lively. Everyone's nice and cheerful, and the staff always remembers what you usually order and asks about how things are going. But at night time, it morphs into a theater of broken dreams.
As I was eavesdropping on the booth next to us (the woman was trying to explain to her perfectly American boyfriend what an avocado was...prompting her to say "that's why you gotta eat more than chicken nuggets, baby") I was interrupted by a frantic man trying to get money out of one of the waiters who just so happened to look just like Mira Sorvino's dad.
It entailed a lot of colorful language. And finally Sorvino relented and gave the man the precious $40 after calling him "a piece of shit motherfucker." The man responded with a "yeah, fuck you,too... I'll pay you back tomorrow when my mom pays me."
Sorvino finally rid of that albatross around his neck resumes his conversation with his co-workers, saying, "I'm just saying I don't find Greeks very attractive."
As I was left wondering if that was meant to be ironic or self-deprecating or self-loathing or just bigoted, I heard him talk about the massive security details and road blockages from the Pope's visit. "I don't get it...I mean, who doesn't like the Pope?"
I am feeling very night before Christmas because, bitchez, I am getting the hell out of New York City and going back to New Zealand for the first time in five years!
For all of you people not in the know, NZ is a magical place. It is full of dolphins, blind, flightless birds, cala lillies, and hobbitses. Pound for pound, NZ can take on the biggest countries - especially in the category of odd news. How about some wombat rape? Or perhaps an SUV crashing into a home and knocking a man right off the shitter? NEW ZEALAND HAS IT ALL!
It also has the haka, which makes up for the fact that the New Zealand basketball team's name is, no joke, the Tall Blacks. And, no, they're not.
The haka is a traditional Maori dance. The New Zealand rugby team performs a version of the haka before games to scare the shit out of the opposing team and also strike fear and panic into the heart of whiteys all across the globe.
I present you with two fine vids of the haka:
Now, similar, but with THROAT SLITTING ACTION!
Want to know more? Google that shit. This ain't Wikipedia.
Anyhoodle pussy doodles, I am going to this magical land on Saturday and will return to this piss stained city once more on April 14th. BUT FOR ALL THE KIWIS WHO ARE READING THIS - I'm performing in Aotearoa!
Dates are still up in the air, but I will most definitely be around at Auckland's The Classic and The Wellington Comedy Club while I'm there - I'll post dates ASAP.
If'n y'all in NYC, you need to come down to Comix tonight at 9 pm because I will be tipsy and performing stand-up comedy with a boatload of other comics. I have this joke I'm so excited to test run - so come and see the comedy sausage being made right before your eyes! NO COVER, dudes, just a discounted two item minimum. For reals. Deets:
The Late Show at Comix Motel, will be this Monday, March 24th at Comix, (353 W. 14th just east of 9th Ave.) at9PM.
Tonight I got to see a close friend of mine, Erin Jackson, on stage for Comedy Central's "Live At Gotham" and it was amazing to see her up there. I'll skip the sappy details of me getting misty eyed, but I will just say that not only was she hilarious, but she looked BEAUTIFUL!
Hey, instead of entertaining you with a blog entry including some scrap of content, I'm just going to whore out some upcoming thingies of mine.
First up!
TONIGHT I WILL BE ON FUCKING SIRIUS RADIO! Did you hear that? Hells yes. I will be on Sirius Satellite Radio's "The Blog Bunker" on Indie Talk (Channel 110) at 5:30 pm and will be sitting next to the most hilarious Palestinian (besides Yasser Arafat) Dean Obeidallah .
As if that shizz wasn't cool enough, I'll also be hanging out with my wimmin friends exploring our yonis and root chakras at NYU next Monday (March 3rd) at 7pm. I shit you not when I tell you this show is FREE because we believe in the fierce woman warriors and their cause. Stop shaving your legs now and join us!
Join NYU as they kick-off Women's History month with a celebration of women in the arts. The event will feature Chicks and Giggles—a stand-up group featuring the best female comics in New York City at the E&L Auditorium (4th Floor) Kimmel Student Center, 60 Washington Square South. Featuring:
Doors open at 7PM. Food will be provided. Entrance Policy: Bring a photo ID to enter. So bring your friends! FREE tickets can be picked up at Ticket Central. Go to ChicksnGiggles NYU to reserve your free tix!
Also, if you like to kick it with hipsters while being down with a cause, I'll be at my girl Jamie Lee's awesome new show "Diamonds in the Fluff"THIS TUESDAY in Brooklyn. Why "Fluff" you ask? Because we're doing it for the sweet furry faces at theBrooklyn Animal Rescue Coalition. So, if you don't go to this show, you might as well change your name to Michael Vick. HIPSTERS REQUIRED TO CHECK THEIR JUDGMENT AT THE DOOR.
I do not know why I continue to frequent this coffee shop. It provides a comfortable, relatively quiet environment, good coffee, but there are serious drawbacks. These would be the soundtrack that is offered (old standards as sung by Rod Stewart) and the clientele drawn here.
For some reason middle-aged men flock to this space. That's fine by me, except for the fact that these are white, middle-aged men whose every move, every overly loud conversation, exudes entitlement.
I'm listening to two dudes who probably weigh 250 a piece talk about what they'd do to another patron (early 30s, petite, very well dressed, attractive) while she sits within earshot and clearly finds them disgusting.
One of these guys, on his way out, asked the other dude to get her name for him. I am telling you this fool looked like this:
But with worse hair, glasses hot from the David Koresh line at Sears Optical, and a boatload of dandruff all over his LL Bean long sleeve mock turtleneck.
This is unacceptable to me as a feminist and a human being. This man's self-esteem must be harnessed and used for good.
In a similar vein, the New York Times has a piece on Beta Guys. I know a lot of Beta Males, and I like them in theory. The problem with the Beta Males is the same as the problem with the guy above, they over play their hand. Any of the dudes in that article could be dating, but instead they have this unreasonable belief that, despite all appearances, they are entitled to alpha, trophy girlfriends.
A lot of my friends ask "Diana, you and Sam are so hip, so on the pulse of the latest trends in food, fashion, film...how do you do it?" Unfortunately, I have no answer for that. It would be like asking a tree how it grows so tall and mighty. What I can do for all of you plebes is offer up a few minutes of our sharp and witty repartee. It's possible the cool may rub off on you.
Looks like I'm going to have to hang up my "I never win anything" whine. Just today I found out I won tickets to see Rhys Darby at 92Y-Tribeca tomorrow night! Not sure if I am going to make it since I'm booked to do a show of my own at the same time, but at least I can ensure that my New Zealand husband does not get shafted from being amongst his brethren.
And how did I get so lucky? Oh, just a little site called The Apiary! Check in on them or add them to your blog feed to get in on more of these little giveaways.
Deep breaths. I'm fairly confident Obama will win next Tuesday..."Dancing With the Stars" AND the Election. Done deal.
My biggest fear? The Hot Mess from Alaska keeps gunnin' for power. Forget "A chicken in every pot" -- we're gonna be seein' bumpers with this sticker: A GUN IN EVERY HOUSE AND A BABY IN EVERY BELLY.
I have been trying, as of late, to figure out what kind of karmic payback will be due to me after the last few weeks.
Just look at the last few posts. Sara and I got animated! Someone made us LiveJournal icons! Our vlogs have been all over the place. I met muthafuckin WESCRAVEN (by the way, I really think someone needs to make a show called "That's So Wes Craven!"). It's all a little much.
Then, friends, my husband scored SNL tickets to this weekend's show. You know, the show with the three headed beast herself - SARAH PALIN - on it. Too much, just too much.
What kind of payback will the universe send me for all this bounty? I shudder to think.
However, I will say if you ever get the chance to see SNL in the flesh - do it! It's way more fun and flies by when you're there. At home I rarely watch the whole thing, but there's so much more magic going on in person. Just watching the crew transform the tiny studio so quickly, and gracefully into a number of stages, and watching the flow of crew and talent is mesmerizing enough to make you forget about the commercial breaks. There was something both creepy and endearing about watching crew members rush guests off the stage while holding their hands.
Warming up the crowd, Fred Armisen played guitar with the SNL band while Kristen Wiig sang Blondie's "One Way or Another" - totally fun and who knew Kristen had a great voice? Josh Brolin was a really great host. His monologue was strong (referencing his amazing work on GOONIES of all things) and I just really liked his vibe.
Know what I didn't like? Sarah Palin.
She seems to be getting a lot of credit for this appearance and I'm left wondering why? Everyone around her did the heavy lifting and she did what she's done this whole campaign - sit there, read her script, and looked pretty. Who's surprised by this? How much credit needs to be given for raising the roof during a rap mocking you?
I will say, seeing Tina Fey and Sarah Palin pass by each other was pretty cool. They are extremely similar in body type. Roughly the same height and, um, CRAZY THIN.
And just as an insider note - my lil' corner of the audience tried to boo Palin at several points, but we weren't heard. Also, we spotted several VIPs being ushered onto the special floor seats wearing McCain/Palin buttons, so make of that what you will.
You might notice that during the rap (which was funny because Poehler did it with such gusto) the line "you say Obama, I say Ayres" totally fell flat with the audience.
True to form, our Sarah Palin totally thought she NAILED everything and is looking forward to a career in comedy following her earth-shattering appearance (note Dina's SNL bracelet for an added touch of authenticity):
Awesome entry. It was neat to hear about all the behind-the-scenes stuff! I just posted about Wiig on my blog. She's freakin histerical. My friend and I have been trying to get SNL tickets. Our day will come.
Trust me, I have a blog post forthcoming that has nothing to do with self-promotion. Just let me get this one out of the way, because it will be good times and I would like to share the love.
I am going to be on one of the shows called "The Ambiguously Brown Comedy Hour" with a gaggle of women, all of whom are awesome. There is about a metric ton of awesome involved in this show. We're talking top quality crab.
I even made a shitty flier in celebration of it all:
Did you see much CUTENESS is involved? Ay, God.
So here are the deets. If you've been meaning to come see me, make it this show!
COMIX - 353 W 14th Street (at 9th Ave) Thursday, October 16th at 7:30 pm Ever wondered what would happen if a hilarious comedy show just happened to be ethnically diverse? Wonder no more.
Laugh as comics Jiwon Lee (Comedy Central), Diana Saez (CNN, Sí TV, Sirius Radio), Aparna Nancherla (NBC's Stand Up for Diversity, NBC's "Last Comic Standing"), Erin Jackson ("The Ellen DeGeneres Show," NBC's "Last Comic Standing") and Retta ("Comedy Central Presents," "Premium Blend," "Slackers") take the stage and shatter stereotypes. Hosted by Desiree Burch (Joe's Pub, VH1's "Best Night Ever").
I thought my mind had been blown when we got cartooned. Then Sara found out that someone had entered us into LiveJournal popculture notoriety. Witness this dedication! My personal favorite.
Theeeen, as if that wasn't totally dudical, Siddhartha Mitter from WNYC interviewed me, Sara, Baratunde Thurston, and Julie Klausner. You can catch it online!
But then shit got REALLY crunk because The New Yorker invited us to work their festival this weekend which meant we got into a super swank opening party resulting in amazingness.
Yes, Sara has blogged about it because she is not full of molasses like sorry ole me, but the following ensued (after a lot of champagne):
1. I told author Jeffrey Eugenides (author of Virgin Suicides and Middlesex): “I really loved Middlesex. I have read it repeatedly, and I really relate to it, although I’m not a hermaphrodite.”
2. I thrust a drunken fist in the air at the sight of Alan Cumming's Barack the Vote tshirt and he gave me a peace sign. LOVE.
3. I witnessed a very pretty, very tiny Regina Specktor talking to a trio of hipster douchebags.
4. Sam and I rode the elevator up with Oliver Stone and his posse.
5. Salman Rushdie was walking around and I had to restrain myself (I was only 2 champagnes in so this was still possible) from whispering to him "Padma's a bitch" and then running out of the room.
6. On the walk up Park Avenue towards our homeland, Istarted playing with garbage, including a discarded bra and a shoe, and threw them in the air because I was feeling like Mary Fucking Tyler Moore:
7. Ended up sitting on a sofa across from WESCRAVEN and his amazing, beautiful, warm, friendly wife Iya Labunka (producer on Heathers) and having a butt ass long conversation full of wonder. Highlights included:
- Telling Wes Craven: "My brothers got years of mileage terrifying me with fanfic enchanced Freddy Krueger stories, 'SO THANKS A LOT, WES!'"
- Calling him WESCRAVEN at every possible opportunity.
- Talking about zero gravity sex (Buzz, Neil, we all agreed you probably cranked one off in space).
- Hearing the awesome tale of how Iya and Wes met.
That was pretty much the best party I ever went to. It was also very pretty in that hotel with light bulbs on the ceiling.
And the next day we got to perform at the New Yorker Festival's Humor Panel for 350 people. We were the fluffers for the panel. Witness the happiness.
WITNESS US MEETING Samantha Bee, who is soooo funny and nice in person (and even prettier).
If you thought the story was going to stop here, you were wrong. Because then, by some miracle, we got to meet Margaret Cho that same night. I have the pictures to prove it.
I'm not quite sure how a weekend like that can be topped!
WTF? who ARE you? and how can I be you when I grow up? So EXCITING!!! Padma is a bitch, what does she know about food? She's so tiny? And Margaret Cho... have you showered yet? If not I'm gonna hunt you down in the city tonite and touch you... because you touched her and a third degree touch is as good as me being there myself ;)
I heart Margaret Cho so much I would have hugged her.
I know you were happy because in the picture with Cho you smiled with your teeth. Toothy grin = childlike glee. Your husband will probably never be able to make you cum again, and it's all WESCRAVEN's fault!
I feel like that chick on the box of Curves cereal
Monday, September 15, 2008
CNN BIATCHEZ!!!
Wolf Blitzer aired the clip wherein we discuss Sarah Palin shooting wolves from a helicopter in Palin Vlog #7 and which then reminds us of Mr. Wolf Blitzer.
YIPPEE!!!!!
Now if only Mr. Keith Olbermann would get the stones to play the clip we lovingly aimed right at him!
Oh, and catch Vlog #11 wherein Sarah discusses her first encounters with Black People.
At lunch today we had CNN on and they ran this story again. Your version of Sarah Palin was the second best. The man who did an impersonation of a super gay drag queen doing an impersonation of Sarah Palin was a little better.
It's so nice to know that someone is out there living out their Sex and the City dreams these days. We all know what a rare, precious thing that is. Spread those wings, girl!
I wonder what it is someone who gets home between 2 and 3 a.m. on weekday nights could be doing for a living that would sustain the rental prices of Manhattan. What makes things even more puzzling is your ritualistic vacuuming between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. every single day. This is more vacuuming than any studio could possibly need. The frequent packages from what looks to be your mother on behalf of Pottery Barn and West Elm must mean that whatever it is you do, it has not been enough to sever family ties.
Can I speak freely here? I hate you.
Sometimes when I hear you stumbling, most likely on all fours, up to your fourth floor walk up in what can only be a pair of lead boots from an antique deep-sea diving suit, I find myself with a case of hate-induced Tourette's Syndrome. Words I usually reserve for Ann Coulter pour freely.
We are already on shaky ground, friend. But then last night, in addition to all the other pain and suffering you've so deftly doled out, you invited friends over for activities I can only assume were drunken shuttle runs, rounds of 2 lbs lady dumbbell tossing, and handstands. So as happy as I am for you that you were fully inspired by the 2008 Olympics, I want you to know that I lay festering with rage trying to think of ways I could ruin your life that won't get me arrested. My only relief last night came in the form of your anxiety-riddled Siamese cat, whose unrelenting wailing and anguished meows induced a hate stroke inside my brain so fierce that I knocked myself unconscious with rage.
Maybe one day soon you will fall victim to your own folly (and my hope lies with untreated syphilis). Until then, I will be eagerly awaiting the end of your reign of terror.
Dear Diana, I cannot even begin to describe the glee this post has brought me. I seriously just read it out loud to my mom while uncontrollably laughing through every sentence. Love 4eva, Sam
I'm not an English major or someone who gets their panties in a knot over spelling/grammar mistakes (mostly because I make so many myself) but I do think in this case, some punctuation would be appropriate. Unless, of course, someone really is casting call girls or call boys ages 10 to 12. Doesn't sound like any educational entertainment I know of.
OMFG, why is Gossip Girl such a central force in my life right now? First, the Gossip Girl Summit, then the accompanying Gossip Girl tumblr blog Sara Benincasa and I write together, and now Heather Fink and Sara B are killing me with this Gossip Girl parody (NSFW).
Woah, dudes, it's been a whirlwind weekend. First off, I was a part of an awesome show on Friday night at the PIT. It was hosted and produced by the tireless Sara Benincasa and thanks to her and Hillary Buckholtz, the event was PACKED. The theatre had to turn away 25 people. What was so great about this show? Oh, it was just about Gossip Girl, that's all!
NY Press blogged about it and you can see the little video intro Sara whipped up (with me and Chris Rovzar from NY Mag).
This pretty much must be done again. In the meantime you can catch up on some Gossip Girl Tumblr action from me and Sara.
Also, I spent Saturday through today in D.C. where I got to perform with my favorite lady-friend-comics Erin Jackson, Aparna Nancherla, and Andrea Fuller from last summer's Broad Minded Comedy. Andrea's good friend Joy Gohring joined us, and the both shows were an absolute blast. Nothing beats packed shows with comics you love! Much thanks to the Atlas Theater/Indigo!
A week since I landed in NYC, and still, I cannot get my body clock right. This has lead to a lot of 4 a.m. wakings and 6 hour afternoon "naps." Friday evening Sam came home from work and begged for me to let him "just rest my eyes for a little bit." That was at 8 p.m. We ended up waking up at 12:30 a.m. Naturally, what does one do when they wake up a half hour past midnight? The smart answer is go back to sleep. Instead we went to our favorite local diner.
Now, by day this diner is friendly and lively. Everyone's nice and cheerful, and the staff always remembers what you usually order and asks about how things are going. But at night time, it morphs into a theater of broken dreams.
As I was eavesdropping on the booth next to us (the woman was trying to explain to her perfectly American boyfriend what an avocado was...prompting her to say "that's why you gotta eat more than chicken nuggets, baby") I was interrupted by a frantic man trying to get money out of one of the waiters who just so happened to look just like Mira Sorvino's dad.
It entailed a lot of colorful language. And finally Sorvino relented and gave the man the precious $40 after calling him "a piece of shit motherfucker." The man responded with a "yeah, fuck you,too... I'll pay you back tomorrow when my mom pays me."
Sorvino finally rid of that albatross around his neck resumes his conversation with his co-workers, saying, "I'm just saying I don't find Greeks very attractive."
As I was left wondering if that was meant to be ironic or self-deprecating or self-loathing or just bigoted, I heard him talk about the massive security details and road blockages from the Pope's visit. "I don't get it...I mean, who doesn't like the Pope?"
Diana Returns to the Land That Taught Her Binge Drinking
Friday, March 28, 2008
I am feeling very night before Christmas because, bitchez, I am getting the hell out of New York City and going back to New Zealand for the first time in five years!
For all of you people not in the know, NZ is a magical place. It is full of dolphins, blind, flightless birds, cala lillies, and hobbitses. Pound for pound, NZ can take on the biggest countries - especially in the category of odd news. How about some wombat rape? Or perhaps an SUV crashing into a home and knocking a man right off the shitter? NEW ZEALAND HAS IT ALL!
It also has the haka, which makes up for the fact that the New Zealand basketball team's name is, no joke, the Tall Blacks. And, no, they're not.
The haka is a traditional Maori dance. The New Zealand rugby team performs a version of the haka before games to scare the shit out of the opposing team and also strike fear and panic into the heart of whiteys all across the globe.
I present you with two fine vids of the haka:
Now, similar, but with THROAT SLITTING ACTION!
Want to know more? Google that shit. This ain't Wikipedia.
Anyhoodle pussy doodles, I am going to this magical land on Saturday and will return to this piss stained city once more on April 14th. BUT FOR ALL THE KIWIS WHO ARE READING THIS - I'm performing in Aotearoa!
Dates are still up in the air, but I will most definitely be around at Auckland's The Classic and The Wellington Comedy Club while I'm there - I'll post dates ASAP.
hey. remember that time you started drinking chardonnay at 12 in the afternoon and didn't stop until 7 or 8pm and i only knew you were home because your head hit the front door? and then you spent the evening in the fetal position on the floor of the bathroom? god those were good times.
My goodness; I wish you would stay there. Hopefully somewhere without electricity so the rest of the world doesn't have to waste their time reading your truly unfunny dribble and musings.
This is the fourth post I've read about New Zealand (I am reading them backwards), and I get more and more perplexed. How? What? Why? AWESOME! I guess I'll have to get the straight dope from you, personally.
I once babysat for a man from NZ who kept vegemite in his pantry and had a John Stossel moustache.
If'n y'all in NYC, you need to come down to Comix tonight at 9 pm because I will be tipsy and performing stand-up comedy with a boatload of other comics. I have this joke I'm so excited to test run - so come and see the comedy sausage being made right before your eyes! NO COVER, dudes, just a discounted two item minimum. For reals. Deets:
The Late Show at Comix Motel, will be this Monday, March 24th at Comix, (353 W. 14th just east of 9th Ave.) at9PM.
Tonight I got to see a close friend of mine, Erin Jackson, on stage for Comedy Central's "Live At Gotham" and it was amazing to see her up there. I'll skip the sappy details of me getting misty eyed, but I will just say that not only was she hilarious, but she looked BEAUTIFUL!
Hey, instead of entertaining you with a blog entry including some scrap of content, I'm just going to whore out some upcoming thingies of mine.
First up!
TONIGHT I WILL BE ON FUCKING SIRIUS RADIO! Did you hear that? Hells yes. I will be on Sirius Satellite Radio's "The Blog Bunker" on Indie Talk (Channel 110) at 5:30 pm and will be sitting next to the most hilarious Palestinian (besides Yasser Arafat) Dean Obeidallah .
As if that shizz wasn't cool enough, I'll also be hanging out with my wimmin friends exploring our yonis and root chakras at NYU next Monday (March 3rd) at 7pm. I shit you not when I tell you this show is FREE because we believe in the fierce woman warriors and their cause. Stop shaving your legs now and join us!
Join NYU as they kick-off Women's History month with a celebration of women in the arts. The event will feature Chicks and Giggles—a stand-up group featuring the best female comics in New York City at the E&L Auditorium (4th Floor) Kimmel Student Center, 60 Washington Square South. Featuring:
Doors open at 7PM. Food will be provided. Entrance Policy: Bring a photo ID to enter. So bring your friends! FREE tickets can be picked up at Ticket Central. Go to ChicksnGiggles NYU to reserve your free tix!
Also, if you like to kick it with hipsters while being down with a cause, I'll be at my girl Jamie Lee's awesome new show "Diamonds in the Fluff"THIS TUESDAY in Brooklyn. Why "Fluff" you ask? Because we're doing it for the sweet furry faces at theBrooklyn Animal Rescue Coalition. So, if you don't go to this show, you might as well change your name to Michael Vick. HIPSTERS REQUIRED TO CHECK THEIR JUDGMENT AT THE DOOR.
Cool dawg, I'm doing the bunker tomorrow. If I had known sooner, I'd have listened for you. I mean, if I knew soon enough to subscribe to Sirius. Congrats!
I do not know why I continue to frequent this coffee shop. It provides a comfortable, relatively quiet environment, good coffee, but there are serious drawbacks. These would be the soundtrack that is offered (old standards as sung by Rod Stewart) and the clientele drawn here.
For some reason middle-aged men flock to this space. That's fine by me, except for the fact that these are white, middle-aged men whose every move, every overly loud conversation, exudes entitlement.
I'm listening to two dudes who probably weigh 250 a piece talk about what they'd do to another patron (early 30s, petite, very well dressed, attractive) while she sits within earshot and clearly finds them disgusting.
One of these guys, on his way out, asked the other dude to get her name for him. I am telling you this fool looked like this:
But with worse hair, glasses hot from the David Koresh line at Sears Optical, and a boatload of dandruff all over his LL Bean long sleeve mock turtleneck.
This is unacceptable to me as a feminist and a human being. This man's self-esteem must be harnessed and used for good.
In a similar vein, the New York Times has a piece on Beta Guys. I know a lot of Beta Males, and I like them in theory. The problem with the Beta Males is the same as the problem with the guy above, they over play their hand. Any of the dudes in that article could be dating, but instead they have this unreasonable belief that, despite all appearances, they are entitled to alpha, trophy girlfriends.
A lot of my friends ask "Diana, you and Sam are so hip, so on the pulse of the latest trends in food, fashion, film...how do you do it?" Unfortunately, I have no answer for that. It would be like asking a tree how it grows so tall and mighty. What I can do for all of you plebes is offer up a few minutes of our sharp and witty repartee. It's possible the cool may rub off on you.
OMG - I totally laughed out loud at the complete look of sad disdain Sam had on his face when he admitted to the location...priceless. I wonder what kind of thoughts went through his head at that moment?
