Trust me, I have a blog post forthcoming that has nothing to do with self-promotion. Just let me get this one out of the way, because it will be good times and I would like to share the love.
I am going to be on one of the shows called "The Ambiguously Brown Comedy Hour" with a gaggle of women, all of whom are awesome. There is about a metric ton of awesome involved in this show. We're talking top quality crab.
I even made a shitty flier in celebration of it all:
Did you see much CUTENESS is involved? Ay, God.
So here are the deets. If you've been meaning to come see me, make it this show!
COMIX - 353 W 14th Street (at 9th Ave) Thursday, October 16th at 7:30 pm Ever wondered what would happen if a hilarious comedy show just happened to be ethnically diverse? Wonder no more.
Laugh as comics Jiwon Lee (Comedy Central), Diana Saez (CNN, Sí TV, Sirius Radio), Aparna Nancherla (NBC's Stand Up for Diversity, NBC's "Last Comic Standing"), Erin Jackson ("The Ellen DeGeneres Show," NBC's "Last Comic Standing") and Retta ("Comedy Central Presents," "Premium Blend," "Slackers") take the stage and shatter stereotypes. Hosted by Desiree Burch (Joe's Pub, VH1's "Best Night Ever").
Thank the gods the day has come when I can do another Wilford Brimley post. It has been too long. Blogging about Wilford is the right thing to do, and a tasty way to do it.
Brimley has been 65 years old as far back as I can remember - which is at least two decades. That stache, that perfectly round head, that straight talk - it is a heady mix. He just won't go away. Everytime there was a dip in Brimley exposure, he found some new product to shill, and inject himself back into our collective unconscious. And now we can combine all the pleasures of Brimley with all the loveable furriness of LOLcats.
Serendipity smiled on me once more because as I was searching for a Brimley video clip to go with this, I found this charming remix of Brimley saying "diabeetus" repeatedly to the tune of "Amadeus."
At her farewell party, Monika danced a waltz with one of the Mariinsky's ballerinas and was presented with retirement gifts of carrot cake, a pinafore and a kerchief...."She loves to perform and she loves applause," said Tatyana Solomatina, a spokeswoman for St Petersburg zoo, where Monika lives between performances. "She knew the exact time to appear in the ballet, even without someone accompanying her."
I've rethought my position on religion. I am now a devout follower of whatever this temple wants to sell me. Seriously, I would take up snake handling if they asked me.
At a Zen Buddhist temple in southern Japan, even the dog prays. Mimicking his master, priest Joei Yoshikuni, a 1 1/2-year-old black-and-white Chihuahua named Conan joins in the daily prayers at Naha's Shuri Kannondo temple, sitting up on his hind legs and putting his front paws together before the altar.
For those still reeling from Spastic Colon Sunday, I have a few things for you that are essentially Prozac for the eyes. They will heal you in places you didn't know where even broken. Such is their power.
Keep your dolphin rape tales away from me, okay, because this shit has just about earned dolphins all the PR they'll ever need in my books.
Conservation officer Malcolm Smith told the BBC that he and a group of other people had tried in vain for an hour and a half to get the whales to sea.
The pygmy sperm whales had repeatedly beached, and both they and the humans were tired and set to give up, he said.
But then the dolphin appeared, communicated with the whales, and led them to safety.
The bottlenose dolphin, called Moko by local residents, is well known for playing with swimmers off Mahia beach on the east coast of the North Island.
Mr Smith said that just when his team was flagging, the dolphin showed up and made straight for them.
"I don't speak whale and I don't speak dolphin," Mr Smith told the BBC, "but there was obviously something that went on because the two whales changed their attitude from being quite distressed to following the dolphin quite willingly and directly along the beach and straight out to sea."
"I shouldn't do this I know, we are meant to remain scientific," Mr Smith said, "but I actually went into the water with the dolphin and gave it a pat afterwards because she really did save the day."
Are you still down? List of the Day provides another video to balm your emotional wounds. Put things into perspective - at least you are not this woman.
Hey, instead of entertaining you with a blog entry including some scrap of content, I'm just going to whore out some upcoming thingies of mine.
First up!
TONIGHT I WILL BE ON FUCKING SIRIUS RADIO! Did you hear that? Hells yes. I will be on Sirius Satellite Radio's "The Blog Bunker" on Indie Talk (Channel 110) at 5:30 pm and will be sitting next to the most hilarious Palestinian (besides Yasser Arafat) Dean Obeidallah .
As if that shizz wasn't cool enough, I'll also be hanging out with my wimmin friends exploring our yonis and root chakras at NYU next Monday (March 3rd) at 7pm. I shit you not when I tell you this show is FREE because we believe in the fierce woman warriors and their cause. Stop shaving your legs now and join us!
Join NYU as they kick-off Women's History month with a celebration of women in the arts. The event will feature Chicks and Giggles—a stand-up group featuring the best female comics in New York City at the E&L Auditorium (4th Floor) Kimmel Student Center, 60 Washington Square South. Featuring:
Doors open at 7PM. Food will be provided. Entrance Policy: Bring a photo ID to enter. So bring your friends! FREE tickets can be picked up at Ticket Central. Go to ChicksnGiggles NYU to reserve your free tix!
Also, if you like to kick it with hipsters while being down with a cause, I'll be at my girl Jamie Lee's awesome new show "Diamonds in the Fluff"THIS TUESDAY in Brooklyn. Why "Fluff" you ask? Because we're doing it for the sweet furry faces at theBrooklyn Animal Rescue Coalition. So, if you don't go to this show, you might as well change your name to Michael Vick. HIPSTERS REQUIRED TO CHECK THEIR JUDGMENT AT THE DOOR.
News reporters, take note. If you are going to report on something that is cute, like, say a zoo giraffe getting a custom made coat, find a way to get a fucking picture involved. Do not, under any circumstances, simply replace the much anticipated photograph of a giraffe in a wool swing coat (that would be my pick) with a Google map of where Oakland is located. I have seen maps before. What I have not seen is a giraffe in a jacket. And that's something that needs to be remedied, quickly.
Reuters, what's up with the LIES? I'm about to blow the cover off of some serious ethics violations wherein Reuters plays fast and loose with the facts, and also, my emotions.
I've decided to do it. I'm going to have a baby. A Japanese rice baby. These things are better than the real things. Finally, a birth announcement you can eat!
This poor little kid is going to go through life knowing that she ruined a tourism pamphlet with her nose prospectin'. Look at her little frenemy trying to make her look even worse with her perfectly angelic positioning, and innocent lamb atop her head. SCARRED FOR LIFE, people!
Seriously, I want to breastfeed this thing. Sure, she sounds like a wraith, but the PAWS, the TONGUE. And now she has her own website!
At what point is the UN going to decide that maybe Germany can't handle polar bears? How many orphaned baby bears need to suffer before action is taken? Am I the only one who's giving Germany the stink eye, here?
There are people out there making political props of their children, and because they are hilarious while doing it, and most likely play for my team, I support it. Swift kids for Truth, people.
Today I'm almost at Mama Duggarlevel as I hover at severe. This story about an adorable toddler with autism who only speaks to animals didn't help matters.
When I was young, my mom was mostly very liberal in her Catholicism. However, there was one incident of crazy where she informed me that the devil walked the earth and would try to charm you. You could spot him by his perfectly manicured finger nails. I doubt Hickabee SugarGlider Jesus has nice nails, but it's he is still satan. Do what my mom suggested, and loudly say, "HUCKABEE I REBUKE THEE." Do not make eye contact or shake his hand.
Y'all I have no idea what to get my young nieces for Christmas now that Walmart has pulled these doozies. How can I possibly let the young, impressionable girls in my life know the true secret to success without these?
As for myself, if someone doesn't get me this, it's going to be a very, very sad Christmas.
How many years do I have to blog about this before someone gets the hint? COMMAN ALREADY!
If you don't want to get me a suited up fetus soldier, could you at least hook a sister up with the Hot Priest Calendar? I think 2007 was a watershed year for these folks judging by the gallery. I'm not impressed too much with 2008, but I like where they're going with this.
Tired of the same old, cliche rape whistles? Put off by bulky, manly pepper sprays? Not sure a cattle prod is legal? Look East to find the latest in rape prevention. Since Japan is chock full of perverts and technology wizards, only they could have come up with an adorable tazer and a covert 'pon tazer for your purse.
I've had some painful 'pon experiences, but nothing that shocking! Har-har-harrrr...
CAPTION READS: "we sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." Apparently Santa is a mercenary trolling the streets killing kiddie diddlers and terrorists. Go Santa! Make sure you leave him a protein shake or some 'roids this year.
Despite hearing the news that there now exists a Cat Cafe where you can drink tea or coffee and enjoy the company of a cat or two in Japan, I am saddened.
I have come to realize that I am very likely nearing the end of the road with my dyke shoes.
It's unnatural. You belong to me, I belong to you.
I'm not gonna play - I like a dykey shoe. I had always dabbled in them, but last year at this time I became a full-fledged convert. Now I have to say good bye to the very pair that taught me the fullness of this love.
After I render them fit for donation, I believe I will purchase a kazoo and play a little taps in reverence for the unbelievable comfort, speed, and agility they have afforded me as I walked to work or trolled the city streets in search of stage time.
For the past year, girls have walked all around me in platforms, stumbling into work at best, and looking like baby giraffes at worst, I was able to get where I had to go in comfort not even matched by being barefoot. Now I must find another partner to carry me down 2008.
I know it's Christmas, Zappos, but you need to stop playing your reindeer games already and put up a "dyke shoe" category. It would save a lot of shoe lesbians a lot of time.
Stop beating around the bush, Zappos.
This is risky, subjective territory - that I will concede. Because one woman's dyke shoe is another woman's casual pump. But I think we can all agree that just like human sexuality, dyke shoes exist on a continuum, and at its most extreme end would be...
I was so flummoxed I couldn't even spare the time to switch to the text tool. I know you come here for my Photoshop skillz.
Sometimes The Onion nails it so hard. I know this is old news, but I saw it today and my soul was flooded with warmth and mirth. That reminds me, I should really call home. It's been too long since I've heard a few Dr. Phil recaps via phone call.
Look, since this blog is just really getting started, I want to make some things clear. I enjoy cats to a lesbianic spinster degree. That's just something we need to make clear if we're going to progress further. I could waste a good chunk of your time to telling you what I find so aesthetically pleasing about them and why I think they're one of nature's greatest designs. This was not always so but now I am a changed woman.
This is not to say that I do not love dogs. I'm not going to shy away from controversy around here, so let me be frank: I believe that whole cat/dog thing to be a false dichotomy. I love all things fluffy and cute. Even the ones I eat or pay other people to kill so I can wear them on my feet. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Deal. As Pac said, "only God can judge me."
If you don't find the following two videos cute or endearing (and, no, you do not have to admit to it to me or anyone else) then you might be a living shell - a mere husk - of a human being. Good luck with that. It might also be time to unfriend me on Myspace and Friendster.
Watch and fall in love with life all over again.
Original footage of cat conversation.
Enhanced, for your amusement with human narration.
Trust me, I have a blog post forthcoming that has nothing to do with self-promotion. Just let me get this one out of the way, because it will be good times and I would like to share the love.
I am going to be on one of the shows called "The Ambiguously Brown Comedy Hour" with a gaggle of women, all of whom are awesome. There is about a metric ton of awesome involved in this show. We're talking top quality crab.
I even made a shitty flier in celebration of it all:
Did you see much CUTENESS is involved? Ay, God.
So here are the deets. If you've been meaning to come see me, make it this show!
COMIX - 353 W 14th Street (at 9th Ave) Thursday, October 16th at 7:30 pm Ever wondered what would happen if a hilarious comedy show just happened to be ethnically diverse? Wonder no more.
Laugh as comics Jiwon Lee (Comedy Central), Diana Saez (CNN, Sí TV, Sirius Radio), Aparna Nancherla (NBC's Stand Up for Diversity, NBC's "Last Comic Standing"), Erin Jackson ("The Ellen DeGeneres Show," NBC's "Last Comic Standing") and Retta ("Comedy Central Presents," "Premium Blend," "Slackers") take the stage and shatter stereotypes. Hosted by Desiree Burch (Joe's Pub, VH1's "Best Night Ever").
Thank the gods the day has come when I can do another Wilford Brimley post. It has been too long. Blogging about Wilford is the right thing to do, and a tasty way to do it.
Brimley has been 65 years old as far back as I can remember - which is at least two decades. That stache, that perfectly round head, that straight talk - it is a heady mix. He just won't go away. Everytime there was a dip in Brimley exposure, he found some new product to shill, and inject himself back into our collective unconscious. And now we can combine all the pleasures of Brimley with all the loveable furriness of LOLcats.
Serendipity smiled on me once more because as I was searching for a Brimley video clip to go with this, I found this charming remix of Brimley saying "diabeetus" repeatedly to the tune of "Amadeus."
At her farewell party, Monika danced a waltz with one of the Mariinsky's ballerinas and was presented with retirement gifts of carrot cake, a pinafore and a kerchief...."She loves to perform and she loves applause," said Tatyana Solomatina, a spokeswoman for St Petersburg zoo, where Monika lives between performances. "She knew the exact time to appear in the ballet, even without someone accompanying her."
Dudes, I saw Martha coming out of the IFC Theatre. She came out in full Martha regalia and I looked at her and exclaimed "MARTHA?!" she looked at me with pity and disgust and turned around. I expected nothing less from Her Royal Hotness.
I've rethought my position on religion. I am now a devout follower of whatever this temple wants to sell me. Seriously, I would take up snake handling if they asked me.
At a Zen Buddhist temple in southern Japan, even the dog prays. Mimicking his master, priest Joei Yoshikuni, a 1 1/2-year-old black-and-white Chihuahua named Conan joins in the daily prayers at Naha's Shuri Kannondo temple, sitting up on his hind legs and putting his front paws together before the altar.
For those still reeling from Spastic Colon Sunday, I have a few things for you that are essentially Prozac for the eyes. They will heal you in places you didn't know where even broken. Such is their power.
Keep your dolphin rape tales away from me, okay, because this shit has just about earned dolphins all the PR they'll ever need in my books.
Conservation officer Malcolm Smith told the BBC that he and a group of other people had tried in vain for an hour and a half to get the whales to sea.
The pygmy sperm whales had repeatedly beached, and both they and the humans were tired and set to give up, he said.
But then the dolphin appeared, communicated with the whales, and led them to safety.
The bottlenose dolphin, called Moko by local residents, is well known for playing with swimmers off Mahia beach on the east coast of the North Island.
Mr Smith said that just when his team was flagging, the dolphin showed up and made straight for them.
"I don't speak whale and I don't speak dolphin," Mr Smith told the BBC, "but there was obviously something that went on because the two whales changed their attitude from being quite distressed to following the dolphin quite willingly and directly along the beach and straight out to sea."
"I shouldn't do this I know, we are meant to remain scientific," Mr Smith said, "but I actually went into the water with the dolphin and gave it a pat afterwards because she really did save the day."
Are you still down? List of the Day provides another video to balm your emotional wounds. Put things into perspective - at least you are not this woman.
Hey, instead of entertaining you with a blog entry including some scrap of content, I'm just going to whore out some upcoming thingies of mine.
First up!
TONIGHT I WILL BE ON FUCKING SIRIUS RADIO! Did you hear that? Hells yes. I will be on Sirius Satellite Radio's "The Blog Bunker" on Indie Talk (Channel 110) at 5:30 pm and will be sitting next to the most hilarious Palestinian (besides Yasser Arafat) Dean Obeidallah .
As if that shizz wasn't cool enough, I'll also be hanging out with my wimmin friends exploring our yonis and root chakras at NYU next Monday (March 3rd) at 7pm. I shit you not when I tell you this show is FREE because we believe in the fierce woman warriors and their cause. Stop shaving your legs now and join us!
Join NYU as they kick-off Women's History month with a celebration of women in the arts. The event will feature Chicks and Giggles—a stand-up group featuring the best female comics in New York City at the E&L Auditorium (4th Floor) Kimmel Student Center, 60 Washington Square South. Featuring:
Doors open at 7PM. Food will be provided. Entrance Policy: Bring a photo ID to enter. So bring your friends! FREE tickets can be picked up at Ticket Central. Go to ChicksnGiggles NYU to reserve your free tix!
Also, if you like to kick it with hipsters while being down with a cause, I'll be at my girl Jamie Lee's awesome new show "Diamonds in the Fluff"THIS TUESDAY in Brooklyn. Why "Fluff" you ask? Because we're doing it for the sweet furry faces at theBrooklyn Animal Rescue Coalition. So, if you don't go to this show, you might as well change your name to Michael Vick. HIPSTERS REQUIRED TO CHECK THEIR JUDGMENT AT THE DOOR.
Cool dawg, I'm doing the bunker tomorrow. If I had known sooner, I'd have listened for you. I mean, if I knew soon enough to subscribe to Sirius. Congrats!
News reporters, take note. If you are going to report on something that is cute, like, say a zoo giraffe getting a custom made coat, find a way to get a fucking picture involved. Do not, under any circumstances, simply replace the much anticipated photograph of a giraffe in a wool swing coat (that would be my pick) with a Google map of where Oakland is located. I have seen maps before. What I have not seen is a giraffe in a jacket. And that's something that needs to be remedied, quickly.
Reuters, what's up with the LIES? I'm about to blow the cover off of some serious ethics violations wherein Reuters plays fast and loose with the facts, and also, my emotions.
I've decided to do it. I'm going to have a baby. A Japanese rice baby. These things are better than the real things. Finally, a birth announcement you can eat!
This poor little kid is going to go through life knowing that she ruined a tourism pamphlet with her nose prospectin'. Look at her little frenemy trying to make her look even worse with her perfectly angelic positioning, and innocent lamb atop her head. SCARRED FOR LIFE, people!
Seriously, I want to breastfeed this thing. Sure, she sounds like a wraith, but the PAWS, the TONGUE. And now she has her own website!
At what point is the UN going to decide that maybe Germany can't handle polar bears? How many orphaned baby bears need to suffer before action is taken? Am I the only one who's giving Germany the stink eye, here?
There are people out there making political props of their children, and because they are hilarious while doing it, and most likely play for my team, I support it. Swift kids for Truth, people.
Today I'm almost at Mama Duggarlevel as I hover at severe. This story about an adorable toddler with autism who only speaks to animals didn't help matters.
When I was young, my mom was mostly very liberal in her Catholicism. However, there was one incident of crazy where she informed me that the devil walked the earth and would try to charm you. You could spot him by his perfectly manicured finger nails. I doubt Hickabee SugarGlider Jesus has nice nails, but it's he is still satan. Do what my mom suggested, and loudly say, "HUCKABEE I REBUKE THEE." Do not make eye contact or shake his hand.
Y'all I have no idea what to get my young nieces for Christmas now that Walmart has pulled these doozies. How can I possibly let the young, impressionable girls in my life know the true secret to success without these?
As for myself, if someone doesn't get me this, it's going to be a very, very sad Christmas.
How many years do I have to blog about this before someone gets the hint? COMMAN ALREADY!
If you don't want to get me a suited up fetus soldier, could you at least hook a sister up with the Hot Priest Calendar? I think 2007 was a watershed year for these folks judging by the gallery. I'm not impressed too much with 2008, but I like where they're going with this.
Tired of the same old, cliche rape whistles? Put off by bulky, manly pepper sprays? Not sure a cattle prod is legal? Look East to find the latest in rape prevention. Since Japan is chock full of perverts and technology wizards, only they could have come up with an adorable tazer and a covert 'pon tazer for your purse.
I've had some painful 'pon experiences, but nothing that shocking! Har-har-harrrr...
CAPTION READS: "we sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." Apparently Santa is a mercenary trolling the streets killing kiddie diddlers and terrorists. Go Santa! Make sure you leave him a protein shake or some 'roids this year.
Despite hearing the news that there now exists a Cat Cafe where you can drink tea or coffee and enjoy the company of a cat or two in Japan, I am saddened.
I have come to realize that I am very likely nearing the end of the road with my dyke shoes.
It's unnatural. You belong to me, I belong to you.
I'm not gonna play - I like a dykey shoe. I had always dabbled in them, but last year at this time I became a full-fledged convert. Now I have to say good bye to the very pair that taught me the fullness of this love.
After I render them fit for donation, I believe I will purchase a kazoo and play a little taps in reverence for the unbelievable comfort, speed, and agility they have afforded me as I walked to work or trolled the city streets in search of stage time.
For the past year, girls have walked all around me in platforms, stumbling into work at best, and looking like baby giraffes at worst, I was able to get where I had to go in comfort not even matched by being barefoot. Now I must find another partner to carry me down 2008.
I know it's Christmas, Zappos, but you need to stop playing your reindeer games already and put up a "dyke shoe" category. It would save a lot of shoe lesbians a lot of time.
Stop beating around the bush, Zappos.
This is risky, subjective territory - that I will concede. Because one woman's dyke shoe is another woman's casual pump. But I think we can all agree that just like human sexuality, dyke shoes exist on a continuum, and at its most extreme end would be...
I was so flummoxed I couldn't even spare the time to switch to the text tool. I know you come here for my Photoshop skillz.
Sometimes The Onion nails it so hard. I know this is old news, but I saw it today and my soul was flooded with warmth and mirth. That reminds me, I should really call home. It's been too long since I've heard a few Dr. Phil recaps via phone call.
Look, since this blog is just really getting started, I want to make some things clear. I enjoy cats to a lesbianic spinster degree. That's just something we need to make clear if we're going to progress further. I could waste a good chunk of your time to telling you what I find so aesthetically pleasing about them and why I think they're one of nature's greatest designs. This was not always so but now I am a changed woman.
This is not to say that I do not love dogs. I'm not going to shy away from controversy around here, so let me be frank: I believe that whole cat/dog thing to be a false dichotomy. I love all things fluffy and cute. Even the ones I eat or pay other people to kill so I can wear them on my feet. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Deal. As Pac said, "only God can judge me."
If you don't find the following two videos cute or endearing (and, no, you do not have to admit to it to me or anyone else) then you might be a living shell - a mere husk - of a human being. Good luck with that. It might also be time to unfriend me on Myspace and Friendster.
Watch and fall in love with life all over again.
Original footage of cat conversation.
Enhanced, for your amusement with human narration.
